So much is going through my head right now, but much of which are good thoughts mixed with bad memories of my past life. In the last ten days or so, Hubby and I managed to escape the COVID chaos that’s in California and visited Dad and Sister in the quiet parts of countryside. Was fearful of flying due to risk of exposure, but we took every precautions: masks, face shields, gloves, and sanitary wipes. Avoided public restrooms like a plaque and starved ourselves until we reached our final destination. The anxiety of traveling has mostly absolved to contentment. No one is sick so far. Will still worry for a few more days, but I’ll place that on the back burner for now.
As I have alluded earlier, part of many reasons why we made the trip was for me to safely explore my past. Last two days was an emotional roller coster ride. It was still hard to talk about some of my past in person. It felt overwhelming at times but Dad, Hubby, and I talked and listened. The warmth from the wood burning stove did wonders. It was cathartic.
Last two days I could feel my emotions going all over the place. I’d laugh at one moment, cry at another. I went through anger, fear, joy, and sadness in rapid succession. In moments when I felt I was on verge of losing control, Dad lovingly recentered me through his care and guidance.
There was a moment when I wanted to beat myself up and hide my ugly side, but Dad held me firm and forced me to confront the bully that was Me. With hands bound behind my back, and an arm around my neck, all of a sudden I was restricted unable to move or think…Dad protected me from Me. “Freedom in the chains that bind me” a quote that suddenly made more sense to me now.
I later requested a spanking from Dad. Not really sure why I needed it, but it was worth the ask. To my surprise, both Dad and Hubby agreed under the premise that I communicate truthfully. If there was any hint of eroticism, Dad would stop. Dominants have their limits too, and that’s Dad’s limit with me. I respect that a whole lot. He made sure that the spanking was not punishment but rather a reward. A reward of me being a good girl of using my voice.
At the time when the incessant pain rained on me, I was struggling to grasp why I want a spanking for reward. Then it dawned on me as I stopped struggling against my restraints and surrendered to Dad. The reward wasn’t really the spanking itself per se but it was my act of surrendering and his act of dominance that made me feel secure in his hands. The reward was that feeling of security and peace. When I finally surrendered, all the internal turmoil simply melted away. My need for a spanking stemmed from the need to feel physical pain that distracts or replaces emotional pain. Instead of inflicting pain to myself, I handed that responsibility over to Dad. He was hesitant and fearful that the act may harm my relationship with Hubby, but I am glad that he saw me through. I went into a deep slumber afterwards as Hubby cuddled me. No dreams, no worries, no nothing. The bad memories feel like distant past. When I woke up, the swellings and pain were notable. Every movement reminded me of what had happend. The skin glowed and radiated heat I’ve never felt before. Smile. I am at peace.
Now I finally understand why I wanted to be spanked. The answer has eluded me for so long and the mystery is finally solved. A bit sad that the swelling and brusing will eventually fade away, but the whole purpose is to watch those heal and realizing that most wounds will heal given time and care…