Written by Kitty (the submissive)
I dislike how I can have a writer’s block when I have so many thoughts in my head. The harder I think about how to write something the harder it is for me to string words together. English is my second language. Pretty sure that does not help any when I want to convey a concept I am having trouble to grasp.
I have been talking to sir about the difference between playful banter, honest mistake, and deliberate disobedience. I suppose the difference between the three is a matter of intent. Like that of a senior prank. What constitute as a clever prank vs a prank poorly done in ignorance vs prank done with malicious intent. All have different consequences ranging from a pat on the back to getting expelled.
Bantering in a D/s relationship is something very new to me. Having been so cautious around sir, I am a bit afraid to say or do something inappropriate. Afterall, many desired activities such as impact play or bondage can be misconstrued. While my husband do not mind my playing with sir on a D/s level that excludes nudity and sex, I still check in with Hubby constantly making sure that he’s okay with sir tying me up, spanking me, or any other activities that may harm Hubby’s trust in me and sir. To my surprise so far, Hubby has been the more causal one in suggesting sir to lock me up in a cage or lead me with a leash. While I do desperately want to join the fun, I am still exploring how to have fun without hurting any of my relationships. Afterall, I do love the scene from Secretary where the girl placed a dead cockroach on a newly made bed. Although I’d never do that due to my intense fear for roaches and sir‘s preference for a clean bed. But you get the gist. It’s more of cat and mouse game. Pretty sure I am going to “lose” every time, but that’s the heart of the game.
Mistakes, on the other hand, is something I do my best to avoid. At times, I gave into my emotions and allow my negative emotions to drive my actions. Other times, mistakes were made in ignorance or from an oversight. In those instances, I can be overly critical of myself. I want to learn from my mistakes and move on to be a better me. But many times, I get hung up on the overly critical part. sir was never upset at me for my mistakes. Dissapointed, yes, but never upset. When I am stuck, I turn to him for discipline. Those seldomly involved spankings or what not. sir would come up with punishment ideas that I really dislike. However, the purpose of it all was to move on with a clean slate knowing that I was forgiven and still loved.
As for deliberate disobedience…I can see it happening in two scenarios. One is akin to being a brat, which I am not. Although there is a side of me who wants to push sir‘s boundaries. That side wants to cross that boundary just to get a taste of the unknown. It’s a curiosity, but I am fully aware of the negative consequences that come with such actions. It’s similar to our fascination with death. We can wonder all we want about death, but once we cross the threshold, there is no turning back…so it’s okay to be curious and talk about things, but certain actions are best to be left alone.
The other scenario I can see myself disobeying is when my worry overrides my logic to follow. It’s fear driven. Fear of losing someone or something dear to me. sir had often said that there is no need for me to understand everything that come with an order. He can see miles ahead of me and in those moments, he just needs me to trust him and follow. I am still working on that. Will this particular urge completely go away in the future, I don’t know. But, I’ll try my best and find ways to trust and follow.
So yeah. Covered a lot of my thoughts in one post. Not sure if they made sense for you readers, but at least for me, I am seeing disobedience as a sliding scale. Move the scale all the way to right, it’s all fun and games. Move scale all the way to left, it’s anarchy.