Cause and Effect

Written by Kitty (the submissive)

I dislike how I can have a writer’s block when I have so many thoughts in my head. The harder I think about how to write something the harder it is for me to string words together. English is my second language. Pretty sure that does not help any when I want to convey a concept I am having trouble to grasp.

I have been talking to sir about the difference between playful banter, honest mistake, and deliberate disobedience. I suppose the difference between the three is a matter of intent. Like that of a senior prank. What constitute as a clever prank vs a prank poorly done in ignorance vs prank done with malicious intent. All have different consequences ranging from a pat on the back to getting expelled.

Bantering in a D/s relationship is something very new to me. Having been so cautious around sir, I am a bit afraid to say or do something inappropriate. Afterall, many desired activities such as impact play or bondage can be misconstrued. While my husband do not mind my playing with sir on a D/s level that excludes nudity and sex, I still check in with Hubby constantly making sure that he’s okay with sir tying me up, spanking me, or any other activities that may harm Hubby’s trust in me and sir. To my surprise so far, Hubby has been the more causal one in suggesting sir to lock me up in a cage or lead me with a leash. While I do desperately want to join the fun, I am still exploring how to have fun without hurting any of my relationships. Afterall, I do love the scene from Secretary where the girl placed a dead cockroach on a newly made bed. Although I’d never do that due to my intense fear for roaches and sir‘s preference for a clean bed. But you get the gist. It’s more of cat and mouse game. Pretty sure I am going to “lose” every time, but that’s the heart of the game.

Mistakes, on the other hand, is something I do my best to avoid. At times, I gave into my emotions and allow my negative emotions to drive my actions. Other times, mistakes were made in ignorance or from an oversight. In those instances, I can be overly critical of myself. I want to learn from my mistakes and move on to be a better me. But many times, I get hung up on the overly critical part. sir was never upset at me for my mistakes. Dissapointed, yes, but never upset. When I am stuck, I turn to him for discipline. Those seldomly involved spankings or what not. sir would come up with punishment ideas that I really dislike. However, the purpose of it all was to move on with a clean slate knowing that I was forgiven and still loved.

As for deliberate disobedience…I can see it happening in two scenarios. One is akin to being a brat, which I am not. Although there is a side of me who wants to push sir‘s boundaries. That side wants to cross that boundary just to get a taste of the unknown. It’s a curiosity, but I am fully aware of the negative consequences that come with such actions. It’s similar to our fascination with death. We can wonder all we want about death, but once we cross the threshold, there is no turning back…so it’s okay to be curious and talk about things, but certain actions are best to be left alone.

The other scenario I can see myself disobeying is when my worry overrides my logic to follow. It’s fear driven. Fear of losing someone or something dear to me. sir had often said that there is no need for me to understand everything that come with an order. He can see miles ahead of me and in those moments, he just needs me to trust him and follow. I am still working on that. Will this particular urge completely go away in the future, I don’t know. But, I’ll try my best and find ways to trust and follow.

So yeah. Covered a lot of my thoughts in one post. Not sure if they made sense for you readers, but at least for me, I am seeing disobedience as a sliding scale. Move the scale all the way to right, it’s all fun and games. Move scale all the way to left, it’s anarchy.

Evolution

Written by Kitty the submissive

I joked with sir last week that the order of our  D/s relationship is a bit out of wack. He asked me to explain. I mentioned that when people come to realize who they are as either dominants or submissives, they are in the market looking for an adult D/s relationship. When they find the right one, they will most likely get married and go through a collaring ceremony to solidify their D/s relationship. When I met sir, I was in need for a father. I didn’t know that at the time but sir already knew when I spoke about my childhood. How there was a lack of a good father in my life and how he could easily fill that role while caring for his own daughter.

Now he has two daughters and would often joke with others on how “awful” it is to have daughters. Yet, here I am still in awe at times on how naturally he integrated the two of us. I came from a complete different cultural and language background and there is a big age gap between me and my sister. But in an odd yet theraputic way, I can see myself growing up in a different environment through my sister’s eyes. A lot of the pain and suffering I had felt through my own parents are slowly mending because of  the love and care Dad has given to my sister and me. I am lucky to have a chance to choose my own father and if you were to ask Dad, he’d say the same thing to have adopted me.

One thing that complicates or rather enriches our father daughter relationship is the growth of our D/s relationship. I thrive from it and lucky for me, Dad is a natural dominant who does not really follow the books per se. Dad was very cautious of letting his dominant side out in the beginning. He didn’t want D/s to taint our father daughter relationship. At one point two years ago, I had even asked if it’s okay for Dad to be my dominant, but was turned down because I was in a sub frenzy mode. It had hurt. A lot…

Thought I’ll never be able to explore that option with him, I was dejected and kind of gave up on that idea. When there was an urge to kneel or to ask for a spanking, I kept quiet. I’d go through cycles of negative spiral because of my inability to communicate. Sir was keeping an eye on me the whole time. Managing and guiding me through his daddy side. Eventually I opened up again. Not wanting to try everything I’ve read about D/s, but rather letting him know that I wanted a spanking or to be tied up or to kneel because those actions would quiet my mind and allow me to focus on him…

One small action of submission lead to another has gained sir’s trust that I will follow his lead for the betterment of myself and everyone around me. Sir has slowly integrated D/s to our relationship. Because I’ve completed all the tasks that were asked of me last week. I was rewarded. A few notable but pretty bruises later, I feel comforted standing in front of my mirror each day while running my hands over most of the tender spots. I am glad that sir has decided to show part of himself to me. I understand that he could never fully be my dominant in a spousal way, but I am glad I am now able to kneel by his feet. There is this odd sense of comfort and calm when I am seen that way. It’s easy to desire for more and forget what I have now. Time to review all the lessons I’ve learned last week from sir…

See the Beauty in Today

Written by Kit

One of the first things that Dad taught me was to see the beauty in Today. Tomorrow can be as crabby as I imagined it to be, but there is always beauty I can find in Today.

I’ve been dreading tomorrow for a few days now. Going to be short handed with multiple procedures scheduled. That means skipped lunch and short calls with Dad. To make matters worse, our company mascot is not doing so well. My collegue had found masses in it’s abdomen today and frankly we don’t know how long he will be with us. Sucks, because I still remember it begging for a peice of sandwich when I went for my interview 7 years ago. He managed to calm my nerves and had helped me land my current job. Now that I am leaving…he is going down hill has well. Not looking forward to go into work tomorrow and have to tell his mom that he is going to be okay. Because both her and I know that time is ticking.

Today, what had happend today? None of the patients came in today had tried to kill us. That’s a plus. Get to share a funny story and made everyone laugh. Cute Frenchy pup came in for it’s last set of vaccines. Oh, saw a pretty cool ancient Shepherd-akita mix today. Work was overall chill. No crazy clients, no crazy patients. Talked to Dad and explored more of my submissive side. That was interesting and somewhat insightful. Came home to a happy husband and a pack of happy doggos. Get to come here to share my thoughts and make new friends. That’s always cool.

So yeah. Today is not bad. Tomorrow…well I am going to sleep on it for now. Oh it’s Friday. Ha! Forgot tomorrow is Friday already.

Nothing

Use to be really good at saying “nothing”. We were given a voice by Dad, and ever since we learned how to use our voices, we are using less and less of that word. The three of us elected Kitty to write this post. Feel like she’s best fit for this job. So here goes nothing =)

”Nothing” was a word i went to often before i met sir. It was my security blanket in a way. People would ask what’s going on, a simple nothing would effectively shut down a topic that may elicit pain, stress, or bunch of negativities that were stewing underneath. Pretty sure i was not the only one doing that. It’s one of the tools many reach for when they feel overwhelmed. Is it really healthy though? Not really. Growing up in a culture where everything is fine, i never thought that was a problem until i met sir.

Sir has always been adamant from the get go that it’s better to say what’s on my mind than nothing. i struggled. The other two had easier time opening up to sir, because a lot of what they struggled were and are mostly straight forward. Think Kitten opened up first and she had shared about our childhood the good and bad. It was hard for her, no doubt, when she talked about our adoptive parents. How 2.0 and mom had fought constantly, how she was treated wrongly, and how she felt small and insignificant. It was easy and natural for her to look up to sir and recognize him as her father. She was the one egging us on to ask sir if he would consider adopting us. To say she was excited when sir agreed was an understatement. Kitten was the very first one to text sir every morning to say “Good morning Daddy”. If it wasn’t for the reserve that the rest of us two have, she’d call sir Daddy all the time. She is the bubbly, goofy one. Still innocent as heck. We love her random out bursts. We love how forgiving she can be. If she is the one who says “nothing”, there is usually a trick up her sleeve. She is the mischievous monster who usually has an inside joke she’s dying to share. At times she’d feel too embarrassed to share, but eventually out comes the joke that no one gets. To her, it’s even funnier that everyone thinks her as the weird one. Don’t think anyone minds though so out of all three of us, she is the most carefree one.

Kit is the logical brainiac of the bunch. When she says “nothing” it’s either she feels overwhelmed with logistics of work or life or its truly nothing and she needed a break. She is the calm one who has the foresight to lead rest of us. She is the leader at work and calls out orders when things goes wrong. When she is in charge, the two of us usually sits back and watch in awe. She’d go into this hyper focused mode and can problem solve on the fly. She is the calm and analytical one. She keeps an eye on Kitten and i and she is the one who’s usually talking to sir. She’s been feeling a bit tired lately so a lot of her “nothing” means her brain is in a fog. All her running tabs have glitched and froze. Unable to compute and unable to communicate…

Then there is me. The ultra sensitive and emotional one. My “nothing” usually equates to emotional turmoil. To get to what’s really behind the nothing, i have to wade through all the emotions that makes me cry. Sounds like i am needy and a crybaby, but I don’t think that to be true. i have my wants and desires, but what i need is often a touchstone that is sir. When i am told to kneel before him, i stop spinning in my emotions. Instead i can navigate through them and find a root cause of what has been bothering me. It used to take me days of spinning to find the right answer. Now i have much easier time to identify the problem. So my “nothings” are slowly replaced by intelligible words and i am starting to like that feeling. That sense of freedom when i share what’s on my mind. The struggles i have are no longer mine to bare alone. I still do say “nothing” from time to time. It’s when i recognize that sir needs more time to rest and the things on my mind can wait. There is always tomorrow to address the issue. His rest is more important.

So that’s a whole lot of nothings to think about. Think i may have missed a few. May add more later if i think of any.

Bookkeeping: Act of Service or Control?

Written by Kit (The big girl in charge) with inputs from Kitty (The submissive)

Think I started my journey to improve my personal finance somewhere around late 2017 to early 2018. At that time Hubby and I have vague ideas of what financial freedom meant. It pretty much means to have money work for us so we don’t need to work for money and yadi yada. It was an abstract concept to us as we have no idea how to get from point A to point B. At that time, we were still living pay check to pay check. Had no freaking clue as to where our money went. So I did what every confused individual does, I consulted a bunch of self help books and YouTube videos on personal finance. There was one problem, I was a financial illiterate. Think I got more confused and overwhelmed through my hours of research than learning anything helpful. However, there was one super duper thing I got out of those hours of research, I learned how to budget.

In its simplest form, budgeting is assigning our monthly income to its appropriate categories and sticking to those assignments. Essentially, each dollar has its purpose, better to use it purposely than to squander it. Bookkeeping is tracking the ins and outs of our money. So that all of the dollars are accounted for at end of month. Most of the work happened at end of the month. Analyzing our spending habits and planning for next month type of thing. It’s a tedious task, but essential if we want to achieve financial freedom. In doing so, I was able to catch missed payments, memberships that we no longer need, weird service charges that we are not aware of, and so on. Instead of money bleeding out of our pockets, we were able to stay focused. Within 3 years or so, we were able to pay off all of our debts that roughly amounted to $120K. Now the money we used to pay off our debts are mostly going into our retirement funds. Let those money grow and soon enough those money will work for us. So what does all of these have to do with service or control? D/s relationship can hide in plain site. So allow me to explain.

Many people see money as power which equates to control. Whoever has the control of money in any given household tend to have their say on things. Well not in my family. Before I go further, I do want to clarify that I consider my Dad and sister as my family. So when I mention family, I am talking about family of four. And yes, I have been the bookkeeper of my family for past year or so. Ask me any time how we are doing financially, I can pretty much tell you everything down to the penny if I wanted to, well better way to phrase it, if i have permission from Dad and Hubby. I am simply the one keeping track of money and directing them to areas where I think will benefit my family. Dad is actually the elder who has a vision of where our family should be years and decades from now. The reason I mentioned it in such way, is that I don’t want to mislead you and indicate that Dad has all the power. That’s not true. He leads by example. So I follow his example and make decisions aligning to his way of life. Do research on things you want to buy, buy good things once, and take care of them. That type of wisdom with money.

My following Dad’s lead is more of an active submission than passive. So I see the budgeting and bookkeeping as a service to my family instead of control. It’s not restrictive but freeing in the long run. I do (well Kitten does)after all want to visit all the zoos and aquariums in North America before I die. Family road trips to all national parks sounds great as well. Still need to learn how to play a cello before I get all arthritic. More time to paint and craft. Start a garden and a quail farm. Build our own hose and blah blah blah. The list of dreams goes on. You get the idea.

His Title

Written by Kitty (the submissive)

This is going to be a difficult subject for me to write. So bare with me on this one…it maybe a blog full of disjointed thoughts. So i apologize ahead of time. Also when i am writing, i don’t really refer him as Dad or Daddy like my counterparts. i refer to him as sir.

Referring someone as sir or ma’am has always been an odd thing for me. Don’t really think it’s lack of respect on my part, i really think it has something to do with my cultural upbringing and my timidity. Growing up in China, i was taught to address older men as Uncle (insert last name), and older women as Auntie (insert last name). There are phrases equvilant to sir and ma’am for my adult peers, but i was too young to start using those. When I came here to America, it didn’t even cross my parents’ mind to teach me the usage of sir and ma’am. My school system had certainly failed on that aspect as well. So it’s a lesson i am learning from sir, that it’s common courtesy to address others as sir and ma’am.

Which brings up a certain reluctance on my part…i feel reluctant to do so due to my adoptive parents. When i was in China, i had no problem addressing people politely. But once i came here, i became extremely reluctant and uncomfortable to call my dad (2.0), Dad and my mom, Mom. Felt like it was an inherent protective mechanism that Kitten had devised to make herself unnoticeable. If she didn’t bring herself to their attention, she’d be left to her peace and quiet. That then expanded to other people in her parent’s circle… mom and 2.0 always thought Kitten was shy, but in reality, she was scared. As Kitten grew older i came along and i inherited that peculier trait. To this day, we still hesitate calling sir Dad or Daddy in person. It’s an ongoing problem that both Kitten and Kit face. But, for me, there is yet another layer i have to figure out myself.

For the longest time, i didn’t know how to address sir. To me, he is not my dad but my dominant. But because i am married to Hubby, my body will never completely belong to sir. Thus the inappropriate use of Sir in our D/s relationship. My mind, however, is and will always be an open book to sir. So use of sir in my mind seems inappropriate as well. So i came up with sir. The middle ground between sir and Sir. Will definitely envy the one person who gets to call sir, Sir. But that’s somewhere in the future i need not to worry about. By then, i’d probably be mature enough to let go of a fantasy that does not belong to me.

Anywhoozly, now that i’ve been calling him sir more. The title sir actually rolls off our tongue much, much, easier than Dad or Daddy. We are not trying to be willful. Just trying to work through our past trauma one “sir” or “Dad/Daddy” at a time.

Different Girl, Different Speach

As I alluded from my earlier post, different part of me has different personalities and is driven by different emotions and interests. There are enough differences amongst them that they even have different speech patterns. Dad pointed that out the other day, which enlightend me somewhat. Now that I’ve paid enough attention, I too have to agree.

Was thinking about how to push through my writer’s block, and the little one came up with the idea of naming each one of us. She gets to be Kitten. I an still Kit, and the deranged strange creature whom we came to discover as the submissive gets to be Kitty. (See that just now? The little one just came out to play) Dad suggested that each of us can have our space to write. Once written, we’ll sign off as either Kit, Kitten, or Kitty. By doing so, I will get to know each of myself better.

Feeling like a crazy person to talk and write amongst myself. Perhaps the crazies have figured this out and us normal folks are the crazy ignorant ones.

-Kit

A New Beginning

Today I sat down with my boss and gave my notice. I too had joined 40% of my fellow millennials on our crusade to build a better future for ourselves. I did it. I made the decision and stuck to it. As nerve wracking as it was in the weeks leading up to today, it’s a relief that I finally did it. Have to be honest though, my first reaction after the meeting was “What the bleep have I done?!” I had a bit of a free fall moment and then I realized that I am not alone and both Dad and Hubby have been helping me building my parachute.

I am still going to be a veterinarian. I am just going to work on my own terms with two new team members: Dad and Hubby. We are going to start a new venture together and our collective goal is financial freedom. It has always been our goal. Think the pandemic has become the catalyst to our plan. With all the homework and research we’ve done this year, I realized that we are much closer to our goal than what I had previously though we were. Barring from any, major, major catastrophic events, we are well on our way to retire early. If you heard about the FIRE movement, we are pretty much doing something similar to that.

To say this year has been challenging and stressful is an complete understatement. Standing up to my previous father for his wrong doings, losing my grandfather in china, and going through extreme stress at work were just some the highlights for this year. At times I wish I could just shrivel up and disappear. Not this time, not this year. With the right attitude and support, I am growing rapidly through my struggles. Which leads me to a topic I will touch upon briefly today. Will expand later. I promise.

This year through Dad’s help, I came to understand myself a lot better. There are indeed three parts of me. The little girl (Kitten), the submissive (Kitty), and the big girl (Kit). While there are many overlaps between them, each of them leads certain train of thoughts and emotions. Being able to recognize who’s in charge in any given time has helped me tremendously in communicating my needs and wants. Out of all three girls, Kitty has been the one who’s improved the most. Because of her willingness to open up to Dad, the other two has been able to remain calm and focused. So much so, we are talking about getting collared again. The meaning behind this Collar will deviate somewhat from the mainstream D/s community (Will expand on that later as well). Besides it’s still a work in progress. Once finalized, we will share.

So hopefully, I’ll be able to write more again. May come here more often to reflect what had happened in past 7 months. It certainly feels like a decade in my mind. Cross my fingers that things will look up soon.

-Kit

Thoughts on Punishment

Someone has asked a really good question regarding types of punishments I receive from Dad. I couldn’t really answer that for several reasons. Primary one being I’ve never received a punishment from Dad. Second, Dad is not a huge supporter for punishments. I certainly do not doubt his ability to administer one, but both of us do not like to resort to that to correct and resolve our problems.

Due to the nature of BDSM community, punishments are often confused with “funishments”. I was once largely drawn towards that. But the more I thought about it the more confused I was. If a punishment is meant as a deterrent, why is it so alluring? Dad once said that true punishment is kinda sorta like death. It’s an unknown. Us humans do not like unknown for an answer. So either we work to find the answer or we assume or fantasize to fill in the gap. It’s a bit abstract, but that certainly explains the alluring part.

Punishment should fit the crime. When something goes wrong, most of the time it’s not solely follower’s fault. There’s an oversight on leader side as well. A wise leader will look at the situation and decide if the follower has truly committed a crime or there’s something else that has caused the failure. If it’s something else, the leader will then troubleshoot with his follower so that they can both learn from that failure and avoid future pit falls. If it’s follower’s fault, the type and severity of the punishment should match the crime committed. Goal is to one correct or mitigate the damage from that failure and two not to have that repeated ever again. If done right, one punishment should be enough for one’s lifetime.

As for me personally, I am always horrified at the thought of disappointing Dad. Many times, Dad would mention something and I’d immediately do it. Think of me as teacher’s pet if you will. I am always driven so that Dad can be proud of me. Think part of that drive is largely due to my past. Don’t think Dad 2.0 was ever proud of something I do or achieve. So that need to be seen and loved out weighs the inconveniences or reluctance to follow orders from Dad 3.0. That said, I am also a submissive at heart. I love to please everyone around me. I want them to be happy. So I’d always try my best to avoid conflict wherever I go.

With all that said, I do have areas of weakness. I get passionate and emotional over things I belive in. Most of the time, it’s a good thing. Like learning a new skill or helping someone in need. Once in a while, I’d let my negative emotions cloud my judgment. Dad would often step in and give me warnings that I was venturing close to making mistakes that’d hurt me. I’d say 99.9% of time, those warnings were enough to keep me grounded. That leaves 0.1% chance where I’d truly fail. I am terrified at the thought of that. I am not really fearful of the actual punishment from Dad, but punishment from my own inner judge. Dad’s punishment will probably pale in comparison to the never ending negative spin that my judge can send me into. I’ve done enough of that to understand how miserable and painful those spins can be.

So when it comes to punishment, both Dad and I are actively working hard to avoid. It has its place, but should not be the first tool to reach for when things go wrong.

Year of Many Changes

It’s been a while since I last wrote anything. This year has been and will be a year of many changes. Those changes are going in the right direction. So don’t worry. Since I am a creature of habit, the Taurus in me is struggling to embrace all the changes that are thrown at me once. Again not a bad thing, just need time to adjust and go with the flow.

Anyway in the past months, I’ve sensed much stress building up. When stress had crossed my threshold of tolerance, I was prompted to ask if Dad would take over some of the power I have over myself. He agreed and this is more or less a temporary power exchange arrangement. I get to choose if I want to keep it for long term or call it off when the need subsides. Because during this time of change, I don’t really trust my own judgment. I need someone else to step in and be like “hey! You are entering a danger zone. Stop! Before you get hurt” For those of you who are pondering what this exchange means, Dad is not my Dominant. Dad is my father forever and always. He just now have firmer grip to my life until I feel safe to venture out again.

Read the Four Agreements book in full this time. Thank you Nora for the suggestion. I’ve gained a deeper understanding of why I need Dad to counter balance me. The book has mentioned that we are our worst critics. We all have a judge and a victim. Our judge goes by our own book of morals and ethics that we wrote during development. For certain people, our judges are extremely harsh on ourselves. They punishes us for the mistake we make over and over again. It goes from just to abuse. Thus people suffers from depression, mood swings, self harm, and a whole list of negative behaviors. What I mean by giving Dad more power is I am handing him my ability to judge myself. I’ve grown tired and exhausted from the self inflicted abuse. I am ready to hand that control over to Dad. He now gets to say if I’ve done a good job or if I messed up. He gets to carry out my reward or punishment. He gets to give me warnings that I am close to danger zones. That sensation is incredibly freeing. It’s like sending my judge to a remote island for a vacation and the inner me can finally come out and play. As long as I follow Dad’s lead, I am safe. Even if I were to make a mistake the punishment will be quick and just.

Who knows, maybe when my judge comes back from her vacation, she will be more relaxed and forgiving. Saying that tongue in cheek, of course. My judge will always be there. Dad will help me to tone her down. Help her understand that it’s okay to let certain things go. She is not a villan. Still need her for my moral compass.

Happy Lunar New Year everyone!

Be kind to each other and most importantly be kind to yourself. Stay safe and healthy!