30 Days of Submission: Day 10

Day 10: Does any element of BDSM occur as a part of your submissive relationships?
How do you feel about BDSM?
Is it core to your submission, peripheral or non-existent (other than the submission part)?

Been sitting on this topic for a while. Seeing this as a trend, I am just going to reset my writing schedule to every several days. Been talking to Dad about these writing prompts and lately I’ve come to realize that a lot of our D/s interactions are now normalized. Preparing salads in handcuffs? No problem! I see that as a challenge to better my surgical skills. It’s no different than my putting on an apron to cook. Well to be honest, I am a nudist so usually you’d find me cooking in my safety panties only, but I digress. I shall touch upon that nudity thing in another post. Anyway, this normalcy is what’s difficult in writing these prompts. Because topic of D/s is no longer front and center in my mind. It’s just a part of my daily life. No different than watching TV or playing video games. It just happens and sometimes there are just not enough to talk about watching TV that type of mentality. So, back to our regularly scheduled program. 30 Days of Submission: thoughts on BDSM.

BDSM stands for:

BD – Bondage and Discipline

Ds – Domination and submission

SM – Sadism and Masochism

My first thought regarding the acronyms is that it does not make logical sense. I see D/s and SM are direct opposite of each other but BD isn’t. It’s almost a redundancy of some sort. As if the word “Bondage” was thrown in because of common practice in the community and it needed another word to pair with it and that word happens to begin with D. Even though a Dominant should be disciplined in what they do, let’s just toss the word “Discipline” to make it sound more legit and pleasing to the ears. Feel like the acronyms should start with Ds and build from there. Just my two cents on that topic.

Second thought. Due to my asexual relationship with Dad, I had to counter condition my brain that BDSM can thrive even if it’s asexual. So allow me dive deeper into BDSM and how it applies to my relationship with Dad. 

D/s: 

That will always be the major pillar of our dynamic. Think about it. In a parent child relationship, who is the leader and who is the follower? This should be the foundation. A good leader is someone who leads by example and is observant of their follower(s). A good follower is someone who listens, but has a mind of their own. The best example for the last bit is the relationship between a main surgeon and their assistant surgeon. One is the leader and the other a follower. One directs the surgery the other assist. Both need to understand the procedure well. While the main surgeon performs the surgery, the assistant surgeon anticipates the main surgeon’s needs. Hemostasis? Check. Mayo scissors? Check. Tissue retractor? Check. 3-0 suture? Check! That’s how I am with Dad. He watches out for my needs and make sure I have those needs met. While I follow his instructions, I also anticipate his needs so that he’s taken care of as well. Relationship is a two way street. One can never overlook this simple fact. 

SM: 

That’s what colors our dynamic. Dad can be quite sadistic at times, but he only let that side out when he is sure that one it will not harm me and two it’s for my benefit. May need Dad to expand upon that himself, but I’ll focus on my masochistic side for now.

I am still coming to terms with my masochistic side. Do I like to be humiliated? It’s an yes and no answer. Yes, when I know I am confident of myself and see humiliation as humor. No, when I am self-conscious and know there are parts of me that I can work upon. Having said that, humiliation should never be used to harm another. It is a double edged sword and should be used with extreme caution.

Do I like pain? That’s the million dollar question I’d like to have some sort of answer for myself. My current answer is also yes and no. Yes, I find it comforting (especially emotional pain). It’s and area of familiarity. My mind sometimes wander towards certain thoughts that trigger lots of emotional pain. Why does it do that? I don’t know. It’s like asking why Eeyore is Eeyore? To counter that emotional pain, I often ask Dad to apply physical pain to me. To beat the crap out of that emo side of me so I can be normal. Think it’s mind’s subconscious way of saying “hey, you are low on endorphins. A spanking will help”. This is no different from a runner’s high or any behavior modification drugs like Xanax or the like. The trick is to use in moderation as to avoid addiction. I don’t like physical pain nor emotional pain. Simply because both are unpleasant. Do I seek pain on purpose? No. What I seek in pain is comfort and familiarity I suppose. There are right and wrong way to go about it. And I trust Dad to deliver pain in ways I feel safe and comforted. 

BD: 

Bondage. Currently in handcuffs typing this post. It does reinforces my submission to Dad while he is 3000 miles away. It’s a physical reminder that he is always watching and monitoring. It’s also a symbol of trust that he trusts me to use it safely and responsibility. A great deal of harm can be done when I am in cuffs. What if I have a need that requires full range of motion? That’s why the key to my cuffs is always on the kitchen counter where both Hubby and I know to get in time of need. Dad governs when to have me wear the cuffs while I get to have the freedom to decide when they come off. Restraint is often used as a reward or a way to manage my busy mind. I can have millions of thoughts and be pulled in millions of directions. Something simple like handcuffs often times helps me to calm down and focus. As you can see, my mind is finally focused enough to write this post. Been busy with loads of other projects in past few days is an understatement.

Discipline. Self-discipline or discipline-discipline? Either one exist in my world. I used to be really lackadaisical with how I manage my time. Used to be a lazy bum and my Mother used to lecture me all the time of how messy my room was or how I am not spending my time wisely. Since she passed, her admonitions have always been on back of my mind. It’s getting to an unhealthy level currently where I’d beat myself up for my perceived unproductive day. I don’t know how to slow down and have fun. My mind is always racing and finding things to do…Enters discipline from Dad. Sometimes, Dad will see and recognize my good use of time. Sometimes, Dad will put a stop to my frantic need to progress. Other times like tonight, Dad will use some element of BDSM to reward me for good behavior.

It’s odd how this relationship between Dad and I work with the approval and support from Hubby. I suppose there is an parallel universe out there where all of these are normal. Get to see people in cuffs and collars and not think twice. Spanking in public is just as normal as sitting on a bench enjoying a sandwich. Hehe… my mind wanders into weird places sometimes….

Anyway, time to remove the cuffs and head to bed. Had a productive day today.

30 Days of Submission: Day 9

Day 9: Do you accept and/or expect structure, rules and limits as a part of your submission? How do you feel about them?

Been staring at the blank screen for a while. Even talked to Dad about difference between structure, rules and limits. Still have difficulty comprehending the question and therefore writing about this topic. So…rather than not write anything, I’ll just jot down my current thoughts.

Limits are boundaries that one can and should not cross. Rules are created to keep one from getting close to such boundaries. To me they are both essential in providing structure in my world. Having that said, limits and rules should be part of everyone’s daily lives. Morals and laws are social constructs created by us humans. Without those, you and I will not be here enjoying our lives in the safety of our homes. I think better questions should be “What is your current understanding of your own limits? What kind of rules will benefit you in meeting your needs? And how do you feel about having rules enforced through a D/s relationship?” But before I dive into my own questions, I am going to be a little more philosophical on my definition of limits.

Limits, to certain point, are black and white. We all have our physical limits on how fast we can run, how high we can jump, how flexible we can be, so on and so forth. Rules can be created based on our physical needs. Drink certain amounts of water to stay hydrated. Eat certain amount of veggies to get the daily micronutrients and fiber our body needs. Sleep for certain amount of hours to replenish our brain. These are easy rules to create because most of us all understand our basic needs. Then we get into certain grey zone that require more learning on our part. Women need more iron in their diet due to their menstrual cycles. Don’t have enough iron the system? Then you get diagnosed with iron deficiency and be like me at one point exhausted all the time. So now I am mindful of what I eat and there are rules set in place to prevent me from hitting rock bottom.

Knowing my limits is good. Having rules in place is even better. If there is no one enforcing the rules, then all is mute. I am notorious for neglecting my body’s needs. To this day, I still don’t drink enough water, let alone eat healthy foods on a consistent basis. I struggle with keeping my weight in check. My list of health problem has been accumulating from years of neglect. Need I say more? My self-discipline in this area of self-care is severely lacking. Dad do have his rules in place for me. Even with those, I still struggle when he is not around. Life long habits are hard to change. I’ll get there eventually. For now, at least I admit my weakness.

When we start to talk about mental limits, we are entering the grey zone a little bit. After a long day of work we all feel tired. How much of it is physical and how much of it is mental? How much of those two overlap? How do one clearly define mental limits? I have days when I feel I can solve any problem, but I also have days where I can’t even do simple math. Is it lack of sleep? too much stress? lack of vitamins? Which is which?! How do I define my mental limits when I don’t even know those limits myself? How do I come up with rules to prevent myself from reaching such limits? What if I push myself a bit harder to reach beyond my current limit? Which is good, which is bad? see my conundrum in writing this post? Limits can be pushed at times, therefore rules can be adjusted in accordance to changed in limits.

When we are talking about limits surrounding moral compasses and personal preference, that’s even more complex and confusing. Each person’s moral compass is different based on their upbringing, culture, religious beliefs, experience, peer groups and so on. That compass also shifts as our societal pendulum swings from one side to another. Parents spanking kids used to be common and acceptable in our society decades ago, now it’s highly frowned upon. Women used to be stay home wives and now are having harder time explaining to their peers why they prefer not working full time. Polygamy used to be a common practice centuries ago and is now mostly considered taboo. What is right for an atheist person is completely wrong for another with strong religious belief. Food that’s considered a delicacy to one person can offend another. Music that’s awesome to one person is awful to another. How do you work out those differences? How do you tease apart absolute hard limit from limits that you can push? Without limits, we can’t come up with rules. And without either, there is no structure.

Think what I am trying to say is that within any relationship, it’s impossible to hash out a long list of rules at the very start. Our limits and therefore rules change as we open up and learn. While they are essential to provide structure and therefore stability in life, it’s still a good idea to be open minded and be mindful of what’s our defined limits versus perceived limits.

30 Days of Submission: Day 8

Day 8: Is spanking or corporal punishment a part of your submission? Why or why not?

Ummm…yes and no. Spanking as a punishment has been implied a few times by Dad but it’s used more as a statement for punishment in general. Punishments should be effective, but are not limited to corporal punishments. Spanking as therapy, on the other hand, is part of my submission.

Dad and I are mostly in a long distant relationship. There are few times when I’ll let my temper flare. It’s different when I am physically with Dad versus when we are 3000 miles apart. When we are together, I have less wriggle room to act up. I am not talking about in a bratty manner to get his attention. I am talking about genuine disagreements that come up here and there. Those disagreements can be as minor as when, what, and where to eat to as major as impactful life decisions. Him and I can both be really stubborn. So when we butt heads with each other, he “wins” almost every time. This is not simply because “he is my dominant therefore he wins”, it’s because he has a lot of experience under his belt thus wisdom behind his decisions. So I concede.

For those few occasions of acting up in his presence, I am talking about changes in my tone, tenor as well as my body language. I will most often avoid his eye contact and answer him with curt replies. I also tend to say “No” to just about anything and everything. Dad is quick to act on it before I have my “explosion” ( the best way I can describe it, is this instant flash of anger that comes out of no where and dies down almost as fast). To prevent my outburst, Dad will look me in the eye and we’ll talk. Sometimes when I am too mad to talk, he’ll indicate to me what I’m thinking and feeling and I’ll slowly open up to him and have conversation from there. When I’m more rational, he’ll sometimes ask me if I need a spanking or restraint or both to calm my mind. Mind you, spanking in that context is not a punishment but a therapy. 

All spankings are given over clothing enough to maintain our asexual relationship but not enough to protect the flesh underneath. Those therapy spankings are usually really intense and I almost always want them that way. I do prefer to be restrained with as little wriggle room as possible. I don’t like pain, but I do like the security that the restraint provides. The session stops soon after I reach a threshold where my mind will give up struggling and my body stops tugging at its restraints. We’ll cuddle or talk afterwards. Dad’ll often times send me to the bathroom so I can have some privacy and admire any welts or bruises. The strange part of it has been my lack of excitement to observe the aftermath. Think a lot has to do with Dad’s disinterest in staring at my naked flesh, therefore I am no longer interested in admiring the bruises either. Weird, I know. 

When we are apart and have disagreements over the phone, things become more difficult. I don’t really have that immediate feed back from his presence. That warning of “Danger! Danger! You are approaching punishment level of behavior!” do not really sound in my head as often as it should. I know how hard Dad can strike. A punishment spanking is something I am curious of but definitely something to avoid. Lacking that warning, my threshold to my “explosion” drops quite a bit. So during those times when I do cross my threshold, a part of me immediately regrets what has came out of my mouth, a part me will wait quietly for Dad’s reaction over the phone and a part of me will groan silently and beat myself up for letting the “crazy” out of the bag.

Dad’s usually patient in those moments and allow my manic phase to pass. He’ll judge if my actions warrant discipline or punishment. Usually, he’ll have me in cuffs or give me some quiet time. Having said all of that, there were a few occasion when my intense emotion overwhelmed his mind…and I’d feel terrible in those moments. 

You see, Dad was in a horrible accident a few years back. (few months before we met online) He sustained a really bad head concussion amongst other terrible injuries. I am just glad he survived that accident. To this day, he still has many lingering side effects that affect his quality of life. He often becomes very frustrated with himself when his brain can’t function at 100%. It pains me to see him like that and it pains me even more if I know I am the cause for his brain to crash. Think largely because of that, I’ve been working extra hard at controlling my temper. The last thing I want is to hurt him. Honestly I can not remember when was the last time I lost my temper. Then again, I do have memory of a goldfish at times. 

So it’s not likely I’ll receive punishment spanking anytime soon or ever. It’s good knowing that it’s a tool Dad is not afraid to use. Ultimately though, we can use much of those time joking and admiring a beautiful sunset together instead. Therapeutic spankings, on other hand, is something I need. Don’t think I’ll grow out of it any time soon.

30 Days of Submission: Day 7

Day 7: Do you accept and/or expect discipline or punishments as a part of your submission? How do you feel about it?

Okay, I have to be honest here. Being a non-native english speaker, I had to look up the difference between discipline and punishment to better answer this question. I had always thought to discipline and to punish were the same. But not wanting to assume anything, I did a quick search.

To discipline means to correct and teach someone to make better choices and to guide their behavior to avoid consequences. 

To punish means to make someone suffer as a negative consequence to one’s decision. 

So, having both definition in mind, I’d have to say yes to both discipline and punishments with the latter used as last resort in a D/s relationship. In my early stages of talking to Dad regarding to why I need a spanking, I had mentioned to him that punishments are like guard rails for me. Now with better understanding between discipline and punishment, I’d like to rephrase it a bit. Discipline are like guard rails for me and punishments allow me to start over with a clean slate. 

Between Dad and I, we don’t tend to spend much time on discipline nor punishments. I can count a grand total of one punishment and a few disciplinary actions dotted throughout. What we do spend most of our times (this may sound extremely nerdy and boring) is talking and learning from mistakes we made or observe from other people’s mistakes on daily basis. On those days when I am feeling less motivated, Dad would admonish me to prepare today for tomorrow. The way Dad talks to me at times may sound patronizing to many bystanders, but it works for me most of the time. Having said that, I am human. At times I do get annoyed when Dad, in his unyielding way, bugs me to do certain things. That’s like any parent-child relationship. So secretly(not so secret to Dad), a part of me loves the interaction.

The times when I needed discipline are the times when I fell spinning out of control. Both Dad and Hubby are very quick to pick up on it. Hubby will in his power do whatever he can to support me, give me space, or sometimes even recruit Dad to help. Dad has his way of phrasing things that speaks directly to my submissive mind. Most of the time, it stops me in my track. For those times that need extra, Dad will restrain me in someway or another so I can physically stop fidgeting and that in turn helps calm my mind.

Then other tools in behavior modification include rewards and punishments . There are two categories of both punishments and rewards. Positive and negative punishments are easy to understand. Positive means to add or give. So a spanking in a parent-child relationship is a positive punishment. Negative means to take away. Being grounded with all privileges taken away is a prime example for negative punishments. A dominant can use a mixture of those methods to punish a sub, but care needs to be taken that this is not meant to tear the sub down. It’s meant to teach someone of consequences to bad behavior and meant to erase their guilt so they can start anew. It should be done in a loving way and should be avoided when angry or frustrated.

Positive reward is easy to understand as well. You treat someone to something to places as an encouragement for same good behaviors in future. So I am not going to beleaguer you on that. The hard concept to understand is negative reward. To take someone out of a constant applied bad stimuli. When I first learned of that back in vet school, it was hard for me to wrap my head around how and why (almost never applied in animal behavior) And in writing this post, I finally have an epiphany. The practice of spanking or bondage or what have you is a negative reward system or as we know it “funishment”. The release of endorphins after a session is the reward s-types are seeking. I finally understand why I seek spanking when I don’t enjoy pain and why Dad always emphasize to me that those spankings are rewards not punishments!

Hehe…I do like doing these writing exercises. Makes me think real hard about certain topics. Anyway, need to get the day going. Have a good day and stay safe.

30 Days of Submission: Day 6

Day 6: What do you feel are the roots of your submission?
Do you think it has something to do with childhood?
Is it a relationship management tool as in the practice of domestic discipline?
Is it a sexual thrill or something else?

I cheated and have had two days thinking about this. At first I thought the roots of my submission is just my need to please. The more I thought about it, the more I feel that there are two more components to that core…

My submission was born out of my need to please. I think there is a genetic component to that trait. For centuries Chinese culture has been selecting for women who are obedient, soft spoken, and subservient. I know it’s a cultural preference, but I can’t help but think if that preference had unknowingly selected for submissive women on a genetic level. Just a curiosity of mine and a question of nature vs nurture vs both. 

Speaking of curiosity, it’s the second component for my submission. Yes you heard me right. Curiosity, my ever growing need to learn and grow. I look up to people who are more intelligent than me. I respect people who are wiser than me. I admire people who has higher EQ than I do. All of those drive my need to follow and learn from those individuals. When I get praises by them, I know I’ve done well. So Curiosity made the list.

The third component is love. As I learned to use my voice and learned how to say no, I no longer like to appease anyone and everyone. If you think about it, the act of appeasing is a type of self defense mechanism. As I pondered over that, I came to the conclusion that it’s an selfish act. Love, on the other hand, is altruistic. Love makes me care and worry. Love is what drives me to be Dad’s safety net…

So my submission stems from my need to please, grows from my desire to learn and is driven by my love for Dad. Yes, my submission can be used to manage my relationship with Dad or with Hubby, but I feel my submission is much more than just kneeling by Dad’s feet. It’s something spiritual, because ultimately we all have to submit to life and eventual death.

30 Days of Submission: Day 5

Day 5: Have you been or are you in a dominant/submissive dynamic relationship or is this new to you?
Have you been in more than one D/s relationship?
How were they the same? How were they different?

I am currently in a platonic D/s relationship with Dad. As for any previous D/s relationships, I had two. One was my failed D/s relationship with Hubby and the other was an on and off relationship with a mentor for about five years or so. 

When I was in graduate school and was taking care of my ailing mother, I was in a desperate need for structure. I needed someone who could help me focus with my studies and I needed to hide from the reality that my mother was dying. Don’t think I was aware of Fetlife at that time, but I did went on to a spanking forum. Met a few self proclaimed disciplinarians, but I never clicked with any until the Mentor came along. He’s intelligent and well spoken and I eventually consented him to be my mentor. 

He somewhat helped me through vet school and my mother’s passing and later with my discovery of my birth origin. I am very grateful for that. He had also introduced me to the concept of age play and M/s. While all of those concepts were intriguing to me, I felt uncomfortable by the way he broached me with those topics. Eventually, I stopped communicating with him because it was harming my relationship with my Hubby. My relationship with the Mentor was far from a sustainable D/s. I had a feeling that he was taking on more than a few subs. I didn’t care though, think I reached out to him on and off so I could get my D/s fix. I am not proud of those years, but it was still a good first lesson for my D/s journey. The ignorant beginning. 

I then came to WP and wanted to blog about my D/s journey with Hubby. If D/s does not work with a self proclaimed Dominant surely I could encourage (or boss around. The irony in that phrase) Hubby to do it. Met Master X and I really enjoy talking to him and his slave. So through them, Hubby and I were introduced to MAsT and educated on what M/s entails. Master X had at one point agreed to take Hubby on as his protégé. But I quickly came to realize that Hubby was only taking on the dominant role to make me happy. He, himself, had minimal interest. I eventually and really reluctantly called off our D/s relationship and that was the second lesson for my D/s journey. The messy exploring phase.

My relationship with Dad is still evolving. It started with Dad offering us help. Which evolved to him adopting me as his daughter. The transition between father-daughter to added D/s was long and arduous. The D/s relationship I have with him now can be taken away anytime if Dad senses that it’s causing harm to my marriage. Numerous times in the beginning, Dad had reject the notion of being my Dominant because I was not mature enough to balance a D/s relationship with a vanilla relationship. I was struggling and could not find a solution to pass his “No”. Third lesson I learned in D/s is to have a voice. The learning and floundering phase. 

From the get go, Dad sees and understand all three parts of me: the big girl (Kit), little girl (Kitten), and the submissive (Kitty). His goal has always been for all three parts of me to have their voice. Because of Dad’s firm believe in monogamous marriage, Kitty was the last one to come out of her shell and speak her mind. It took her years to disengage sexual fantasies from her concept of D/s. Came to the conclusion that certain sexual fantasies were not for her to realize thus not worth pursuing. Think in doing so, she tamed her sub frenzy and allowed her to just be and follow. As it turned out D/s is not really about kinks or sex, they can be mutually exclusive. She still needed therapeutic spankings and bondage from time to time, but she’s rarely sexually aroused from those interactions. 

Think what I learned finally is that D/s provides stability in my life. It allows me to make decisions on strong footing. It allows me to sleep well at night. Used to have piles upon piles of problems in my life that I have no idea how to tackle. Now, when there is a problem, it gets shared with Dad and or Hubby and goes onto my todo list. Once addressed, I’d feel lighter and more free.

So this is my D/s journey so far. Shall see where life takes me this year and years to follow. 

There done! This is a harder than usual prompt for me to write as it forces me to be honest with myself and face many bad decisions I’ve made. Hope it’s of value to you in one way or another. have a good day!

30 Days of Submission: Day 4

Day 4: Do you switch into a dominant role at any time?

Yes, I do. But before I go on further, I do have to explain what I mean by my dominant role. In my mind, it means leadership. Over the past decade, due to my work and my interactions with Hubby, I do have that dominant streak in me. 

At work, I am a team leader. A reluctant team leader but a leader never the less. Back in high school, I wanted to be a veterinarian simply due to my love for animals. I kind of overlooked the fact that once a vet, I become the de facto leader. I need to oversee team of vet techs, vet tech assistants and sometimes younger vets while juggling multiple cases through out the day. Educating clients on what’s wrong with their pets and explaining diagnostic and treatment plan automatically place myself in that authoritative role. Do I like it? only certain aspects. I have to override my submissive nature (appeasing clients and staff) almost on daily basis to advocate whats best for their animals and to get things done on timely manner. I am not saying it’s bad thing, it just drains me more than my doing something else such as cooking and organizing my house. Having said all of that, I did learn how to be a good leader and conclude that a leader leads by example and work to serve their people not themselves. 

As for my relationship with Hubby. I am the one who is more in control. Hubby has a more laid back approach to life. His motto has always been happy wife, happy life. This is a wonderful trait to have in a husband when the wife is willing to lead. I didn’t want to lead, I just want to be told what to do when I come home and then crash. For years Hubby and I had gotten into numerous arguments over who should lead. We would often drop the ball on paying bills thinking the other would take care of it. Stupid things like that would trigger me. Ultimately I became the de facto leader at home. I struggled with the decisions I make at home. I knew back then where I want to be, but had no means to reach my goal. I was frustrated, stressed, and unhappy. 

Around 5 years ago, Dad came into our lives. It was a much needed respite for me that even my coworkers had noted a positive change. At the very begining, Dad was just helping us with our marriage and problems at work and life. I instinctually knew he’s a dominant, but he’s never forced his suggestions on us. He’s patient and has made himself available via his phone 24/7 if we had a problem. Our trust and respect grew as our list of problems got shorter and shorter. It took about four years for Dad to finally feel comfortable of establishing a D/s relationship with me. Took a lot of communication between him and I, him and Hubby, and Hubby and I. Some times we talk individually, sometimes we would have a group discussion. Everything is transparent so that my D/s relationship with Dad can coexist with my vanilla relationship with Hubby. In doing so, I do realize that sometimes my dominant streak would come out when I am with Dad (which I was quickly put into my place) and my submissive side would come out with Hubby (which Hubby do enjoy). In away, this bizarre arrangement is benefiting all three of us and has made our relationship stronger over time. 

So there you have it, I am a submissive, but I can lead when I have to. Besides, Dad has always mentioned that one day I’ll be the one taking care of him. There may be a role reversal when we get older, slower, and weaker. That’s just the nature of things. As much as I dislike the thought of it, I still need to prepare for the inevitable. For now, I need not to worry about such things as I still has much to learn and grow.

30 Days of Submission: Day 3

Day 3: How do you know you are submissive or have the potential to be submissive?

All my life, I’ve always been quiet and obedient. So much so, my grandparents, my nanny, and my mother were all very concerned and protective of me.

Remembered one time walking home from elementary school, a kid ran past me and shoved me from behind. I fell face forward, chipped both of my front incisors and bloodied my lips. Came home crying with blood dripping down my chin and was concerned that my grandparents would go back to school to find that kid and had him apologize. I was more distraught by my grandparents and teachers’ actions than my own injuries. I just didn’t want any attention. I didn’t want to cause any trouble.

That wasn’t the worst part of the story though. The teeth I broke had exposed nerve endings. They weren’t addressed until years later. So I learned to eat things without using my front teeth and learned to cover my teeth with my tongue when drinking cold or hot beverages. I don’t think I complained much even though they were sensitive or painful. To this day I still have the muscle memory of babying my front teeth and protecting them with my tongue. Besides, the crowns I have are now twenty some year old. I hate going to the dentist and I’d like to keep it that way.

Looking back and reading numerous horror stories of submissives in abusive relationships, I have to say I am lucky to have found Hubby and later Dad. With my submissive tendencies, my inability to say no and inability to standup for myself, I could certainly end up in an abusive relationship and not be able to find my way out. Dodged a bullet in that regard.

If you are asking me when I developed my kink for spanking, I had to say it’s when I am around five or six. Spanking is widely accepted in China as means for parents to punish their child. Since I grew up with my grandparents, I had often wondered what it’s like to be raised by my parents. Spanking stood out in my young mind not so much because it’s exciting, but more of a tough love from parents that I subconsciously craved.

When internet and YouTube came along, I had more ways to search for anything related to spanking. I came across the movie Secretary and I was mesmerized. I learned the term submissive from that movie and identified with Lee on so many levels. I have always joked with Dad that part of vetting process should include Secretary for a movie date. Observe the other person for their reactions during the movie and have a deep conversation about the movie afterwards. The movie simply gets It, the essence of D/s relationship.

The part that took my breath away was when Mr. Grey told Lee to walk home. To take a stroll in the park and be free. He didn’t ask, he gave her permission to do so. It was freeing for Lee because someone else had saw through her facade, understood, and freed her from her own demons. That was the turning point. I just loved to see the beautiful transformation of Lee from this awkward, ugly duckling to a confident, elegant swan. It’s simply beautiful. Dad may tease me about it, but I’ve watched it 6 or 7 times at least and am always up for watching it again.

So, there you have it. Think I babbled long enough on this topic. Need to get up and get going with my to-dos of the day.

30 Days of Submission: Day 2

Day 2: Describe who you might submit to and how. Are you exclusively submissive in marriage or just in the bedroom?

Initially I thought this is going to be an easy question to answer. The more I thought about it the more I came to realize that the answers I am going to provide shortly has nothing to do with power exchange. However, they are absolutely crucial to which the power exchange are built upon. So let’s explore shall we? 

A better way to phrase this question is to whom do you respect? And why? 

We all have someone or people whom we look up to and want to emulate. They can be your parents, relatives, teacher, mentor or what have you. Come up with a list of why before you go search for your Dominant. That list will be a compass for you, because power exchange can be intoxicating and make your brain go mush and over look certain red flags. It’s better go in prepared and call out bullshit when you sense one. 

Submission for me follows naturally when I deeply respect someone. I give my respect to someone who is self disciplined and motivated. Who is good at managing their time and energy in doing things that are necessary in their life. I respect someone who is wise and has the foresight to prepare for tomorrow. Who is altruistic and willing to volunteer their time to help others. I respect someone who is humble and willing to be wrong. Who is organized and meticulous in that they do. Who pays attention to details. Who takes their time to listen and understand. I pay my respect those who believes one should never stop learning and growing. And I think that’s my main list of reasons why I respect someone. Pretty sure I had missed some, but you get the idea. 

Why is this important for me?

My core desire as a human being is to be a better version of myself each and every day. That applies to my skill set, my knowledge base, my personal conduct and such. I am keenly aware of my short comings and at times I get depressed and beat myself up over them. I am my own worst enemy and in those times and I need someone to pull me out of my depression and remind me that I can do better. I don’t want someone to tell me what I want to hear. I want someone to be firm with me and call out my own bullshit and push me to improve. Dominant who shares the same philosophy as me works well in this scenario, because the best reward I can ask for is his pride in me. “I am proud of you.” “You are a good girl.” Speak volumes to my submissive heart. 

All of this has nothing to do with submission in a marriage or in bedroom. Think for me, D/s is more of a spiritual journey. Thus the complexity behind my thoughts and answers. Not sure if I am making much sense, because I know this is not yet a complete answer. Ask me again ten years from now. Hopefully I will come up with a more coherent thought.

30 Days of Submission: Day 1

Yup, I am doing this finally. Had Dad look over the writing prompts and got his permission to do the exercise: 30 Days of Submission . The intention is to focus on aspects of D/s that people don’t really talk about or skip over. Things like how to build a trusting relationship, how to maintain a relationship, how to solve problems as a team when things go wrong, blah, blah, blah. Pretty much the boring stuff . Most of my answers are going to be devoid of sex and or any other titillating material for that matter. If you are still interested, please read on. 

Day 1: Do you view your submission as; Taken in Hand, domestic discipline, top/bottom, dominant/submissive, master/slave, owner/pet, DD/lg; or some other description or combination? If you do not use a label, why?

To neatly fit my submission into one category is akin to forcing a 3-D puzzle piece into a 2 dimensional puzzle board. However, the relationship between Dad and I is at its core father and daughter. It’s a platonic D/s relationship, therefore I’ve been avoiding the use of DD/lg and Daddy on my posts as that tend to have a sexual connotation amongst people in the community. 

While centered around the core Father/daughter relationship, my submission is best described as a sliding scale between minimal need to submit to total need for submission. It really is dependent upon my emotions, stress, anxiety, and physical condition. Last year I needed a short leash from Dad. I needed to give up all of my control so I could focus on task at hand. The short leash is not going to go away anytime soon as this year I will have a lot of moving components and unknowns to keep me on my toes. This does not mean that my submission is based on my whims. My submission and Dad’s dominance ebbs and flows. Really depends on where life takes us.

In general, I am a people pleaser. My office manager from previous work had described me as a happy go lucky Labrador retriever. I suppose in a veterinary field, it’s a good descriptor. The root of my submission is my need to please. I like to do everything in my power to make people happy around me. However, I do experience burnout when people fail to see and acknowledge my effort. When Dad came into my life, he saw everything down the the core of who I am. There is no place to hide my thoughts and there is no need to hide them from him. I can shed my masks and just be me around Dad. Which leads me to my final thought on the topic. 

Dad has never asked me to do anything for his own personal gain. His priority has always been my well being. As his daughter and submissive, I do see a lot of needs in his life that he at times neglects. So in an unsubmissive fashion, I tend to nag and hag him so that he can take care of himself while I am not around. I do suppose that I can be more polite about it…but when dealing with a curmudgeon like Dad, I need to be a bit firm at times. I don’t really see that as topping from bottom, it’s what Dad needs and I am going to see that his needs are met so that he can take better care of people around him and the cycle repeats itself. 

I will emphasize this again and again, D/s relationship or any relationship for that matter is a two way street. One can’t always give and the other always take. It should be a symbiotic relationship where both partner wins and builds upon each other. To paraphrase Dad’s words, it’s not the perfect position or tie that makes a D/s relationship strong. You need to trust and respect each other and communicate!