Obstacle number one…

Kit came from a family of worry warts. The most notorious person of them all is kit’s grandfather. Thank god he is getting senile, or else kit’d need to Skype to China daily just to report that she is doing okay. He really used to be that bad in his younger days…

Part of the reason why kit didn’t like to travel to China as much as she should is that there will always be a 7pm curfew when kit is home in Shanghai. If kit don’t get home on time, he would go into a frenzy mode thinking that kit must have gotten kidnapped, died from a car accident, robbed, or got extremely ill from food poisoning. Totally not exaggerating…Can’t blame him though, as he is one of those millions of people who suffered through Cultural Revolution with random house raids, random beatings, sleep deprivations, street parades with placard over his neck that read traitor..etc. That would pretty much screw up anyone’s mind…=.=… then he would project that thought process onto us…

Side note: kit would not object to someone who is willing to dump Mao’s perfectly preserved body in Beijing out into the streets for rats and roaches to gnaw on. To think that the reason that his body was preserved was so that one day he’d like someone to resurrect him is terrifying. And to think that so many people in China still worship him as a god is beyond kit’s comprehension. What he did was one of the most despicable human social experiments in history. It had brought out the worst in people. China is still suffering from the aftermath…no culture, no religion, no value for other people…you think Hitler is bad, Mao is worse on so many levels. Kit can go on and on about this, but that’s not the key point of this entry.

Anyway, back to the original blog. Grandpa’s negative energy does rub off on others if you live with him long enough, 11 years for the kit…kit’s mom was like that and kit’s aunt is even worse. What’s more is that they all lacked patience. So minor situations like a missed phone call can be completely blown out of proportion. Part of the reason kit gets extremely anxious (like with heart palpitations and sweaty palms anxious) whenever one of her family members from her mom’s side tried to contact…

So having to grow up in that environment, kit naturally picked up some of their personalities, worrying excessively being one of them…sigh…there literally will be times when kit sees a bill, which we would totally have the means to pay for, kit will freak out a little and then that minor freakout will just snowball to something catastrophic…like living on the streets bad…see the similarity between kit and her grandpa now? Sorry Master you had to go through those episodes… >.>…it’s a wonder that Master still stays with kit and all her crazyness. Definitely takes a lot of patience for sure.

The reason why kit is talking about all this, is that kit feels like she’s hit a bit of a road block in her new D/s lifestyle in terms of offering trust…kit worries too much. Finance and work being the two major stressors. Family members…well once in a while so thank god for that…Except for finance, the other two are kinda hard to share the load with. Since kit is the ultimate one to come up with the solutions…Finally there is attention to details, kit being some what of a perfectionist and Master a big picture kind of guy. See the conflict a little?

When kit worries, it triggers either emotions of fear, sadness, and/or anger. Then either one of those emotions will synapse to different parts of kit’s brain and recall any other experiences that may elicit the same emotions. So a broken movie clip of bad memories will just replay through in kit’s mind. Fear turn into panic, sadness turn into depression, and anger turns into rage. The snowball effect can happen really quickly within minutes or it can happen over the course of days or weeks. When asked whats wrong, naturally kit will just give one of the two answers: nothing or everything. Nothing pretty much is when kit wants to retrieve into her shell and everything is when kit is overwhelmed and don’t know what problem to tackle. So when Master wants answers, kit literally needs lots of time to think it through before blurting things that she may regret later. Don’t know how to explain it before, but the more kit examined herself, the more it becomes clear to the kit on how her mind works.

So back to the issue with trust…kit knows that she has to work through her trust issues to truly submit. It takes time…like dealing with the loss of someone dear…initially there would be trigger points everywhere: things you see, food you eat, sounds you hear… pretty much anything and anywhere. But as time goes by, the trigger points become far and few between. Eventually those triggers become something that kit just acknowledges in the background. So if kit can work on the triggers that cause kit to worry…maybe it will make the conversion process much smoother.

It’s a long rambling blog, but it’s a good way for kit to make sense of it all…Shall end the blog with this…literally that went on through kit’s mind yesterday morning…and then Master offered to take kit to Dim Sum…kinda embarrassing but funny at the same time haha.

Superhero?

Woke up this morning with a tune stuck in kit’s mind. A song kit first heard yesterday morning on the radio. “Something Just Like This” by The Chainsmokers and Coldplay.

“…but she said where d’you want to go?
how much you wanna risk?
I’m not looking for somebody with some superhuman gifts.
some superhero,  
some fairy tale bliss,
just something I can turn to,
somebody I can kiss,
I want something just like this…”

Such simple lyrics yet the song spoke volumes. Kit fell asleep to that song last night.

“…just something I can turn to…somebody I can miss…” 

As Master stood guard over the kit against a large black garden spider in our bedroom, kit felt happy. He is certainly not a superhero, but He is kit’s guardian never the less …kit’s heart swelled with gratitude as she dose off into space…

“…Where d’you want to go? How much you wanna risk…

…I want something just like this…”

Convention Finale

Last day of conference yay!!! Then freedom. Aaaand today’s lectures won’t be so bad either. Dr.T is kit’s favorite emergency clinician back in Purdue and she is presenting all morning. Will definately not dissapoint. 

Towards the end of the conference, people are definitely getting grumpier. kit woke up late and the tram (yes it started working earlier in the week) was taking its time, so naturally kit was late for her lecture. It was a semi-full house, but there were still single or double seats open with people’s stuff on it. According to local Fire Marshall , no one is allowed to stand or sit on the sides of the room. So kit politely asked one of the vets to see if kit could sit there…that person proceeded to glare at the kit and reluctantly moved her bag onto the floor…geez! A backpack is not a person you know! Sigh…it still made kit feel crappy so kit proceeded to apologize at the end of the lecture. That person just pretended not to hear the kit and stormed away. You just can’t make everybody happy…lesson re-learned. 

Thank god Dr. T can be so animated and hilarious at serious subjects like CPRs and toxicities. She made the time fly by this morning. Kinda miss the old days when her and kit were partners in crime in ECC department. Good times =D

Master is taking kit to Secret Garden at Mirage for free tomorrow.  And we are saving up for the most epic buffet tomorrow at Ceasars Palace =D then back to LA we go. kit is missing her furry babies and not so arid air. Vegas is cool but too crowded with way too many people for kit’s liking. Rather go to some national parks and just soak in all the science for an ideal vacation. WVC did advertise for CE on a cruise ship to Alaska later this year or in the future…Shall consider that for next, next year. 

Sigh…

Rawr…this morning Master held kits backpack hostage in exchange for a kiss. kit is not really a PDA type of girl…so a kiss infront of all other ppl is a bit…>. < can’t complain too much though considering Master did carry her backback all the way to the convention…sigh…He is becoming more of a sadist everyday. Certainly brings excitement to life though in both good and bad way. 

A bit dissapointed at the first lecture of the day. kit disagreed with one of the speaker’s core concepts, and then it became really hard to follow after that. You would think that all lecturers at this conference are expert in their fields. Guess not really… kit’s not really upset, just dissapointed that kit could have been to a more informative talk for that hour…double sigh…

Then came lunch time…Whenever there is something for free like lunch, people flock to it like locusts. kit, being the frugal kit she is, has the same problem. Although kit will at least figure out if that free stuff is worth a while…Well it was a talk on renal ultrasound that kit desperately needed to hone her ultrasound skils. Swear, half of those people at the talk were not even intrested in ultrasounds. They were all on their phones or doing other things…There went kit’s free lunch QQ…triple sigh…but kit can now interpret ultrasounds better. So not all is lost.

Speaking of free stuff, there was this really cute blue kitty tote bag that kit wanted from one of the vendors..and a VR demo was all that was needed…then kit remembered Master’s horror story of ppl getting pink eyes from VR demos at gaming conventions…guess there is always a price to pay, even for the free stuffz. 5 minutes of disorienting VR experience later, kit got her free bag in hand. Here goes to hope that kit don’t get pink eyes >. <

Sorry for the endless complains for today. Will end today’s blog on some good notes. Kit made it through another day of lecture and feels smarter. Oh and kit got to witness Puppy Soccer Cup. So fluffy…and kit definately needs lots of head pets from Master tonight.