Thoughts on Collaring

Written by Kitty (the submissive)

A collar in D/s is equivalent to a wedding ring in vanilla world. Each symbolizes a life long commitment to a certain type of relationship. What’s the difference between the two? Or is there even one to write about?

Both are “random” objects that can be extremely sentimental. A $10 ring found in a nifty antique shop can be just as valuable as a $10K diamond ring. A simple submissive day collar can be just as impactful as a stainless steel slave collar. A vanilla couple who are deeply devoted to each other will place just as much weight to their wedding rings as their D/s counter part to their collar. A husband serves to protect and care for his wife. A wife serves to support and care for her husband. A Dominant serves to protect and guide their submissive. A submissive serves to follow and support their Dominant. Very subtle differences in either case. Your chance to find good and solid relationships in either worlds is just as good as finding bad and destructive ones. So ultimately, what’s the difference between D/s and vanilla?

i am writing this not to challenge what’s already an established concept in D/s world. I am writing, because i am about to be collared once again. The first time failed because Hubby and i didn’t really have a firm grasp of what a D/s relationship entailed. We failed, and ultimately the collar had lost its meaning. i was devastated to have to remove the collar. In doing so, i damaged it. It sat in our treasure box, until i mentioned the idea of collaring to sir. Knowing the way sir thinks, i was fearful that he’d reject the notion in favor of protecting and preserving my relationship with Hubby. I asked anyway, because the desire has always been there and there is no point in suppressing it as sir will find out one way or the other.

There is one thing that sir dislikes and that’s not using my voice. I struggled with that in the first couple years. It’s hard to describe. Think a lot of my mental blocks during those times were fear of judgements and fear of rejections. Those two stood out amongst other emotions that were swirling in my head. It’s kind of silly to think and believe sir would judge me in ways I thought he would. Regardless, i am much better at communicating what’s on my mind now. Which leads me to my next thought.

Trust, respect, and honest communication are what set good relationships(be it vanilla or D/s) apart from bad. A vanilla relationship differs from a D/s relationship through lack of clear leadership. Take my relationship with Hubby for example. We take turns in deciding what we eat for dinner or what to do for the weekend. Our day to day approach to life is a bit laid back and less structured. Is that a bad thing? Not really. Hubby is content and part of me is satisfied with that lifestyle. I am fine with vanilla just as i am fine with a good vanilla ice cream.

After sir became part of my family, my life has been enriched with a deeper layer of purpose. Before, Hubby and i have dreams for our future. Now, those dreams are attainable goals. Sir has been keeping me on track with what i want to do and become. Without his leadership, i’d still be lost as ever. That’s the power of D/s i feel a few people have touched upon.

So the collar. Sir had fixed the collar I broke a while back. I am ready to be collared because i want to better myself under sir’s guidance. The intention behind this collaring isn’t ownership but rather master/apprenticeship. There is so much i want to learn and emulate from sir that i don’t think lifetime learning will suffice. The collar is, therefore, a durable object that symbolizes the life long commitment i will have for sir, for Hubby, and for myself.

There! Finally coughed up this post. It’s been sitting in my draft box since July of this year…

“Obediently”

Written by Kitty (the submissive)

Client came in the other day with her pet named “Obediently”. I did a double take on the name. Who names their pet that?! And then it dawned on me. The client spoke Chinese. The name was a literal English translation from Guai Guai. She thought that we may not be able to spell her pet’s name correctly. So she thought to translate it for us. Little did she know, we tend to have lots of Guai Guai and Wa Wa. There are also Dou Dou and Rou Rou. Huge Asian population here so dogs and cats with their Chinese names don’t really faze us much.

Being who i am, the name Guai Guai got me thinking. There is a huge difference between western and eastern culture. The word Guai is often used as a term of endearment by Chinese parents to brag about how good their kid is at home. Here in America, i hear parents brag about how talented or athletic their kids are. Obedient? Almost never. Correct me if i am wrong, i almost feel the word obedient has a negative connotation here…

I was not the smartest kid in my class nor had any talent that set me apart from others, but i pride myself for being that obedient kid. Because Mom always spoke fondly of me when she talked about how “Guai” i was, I seriously took that as my greatest compliment. 2.0, on the other hand, disliked how dull i was. I totally understood where he was coming from, but the way he conveyed it made me feel stupid and insecure. That’s one way to shut a kid down.

Fast forward to now. I still pride myself for being obedient to sir. It’s a different type of obedience i feel. I choose to be obedient because i trust sir’s leadership. I trust that he has my best interest in mind and i trust that when things go wrong we get to have open and honest conversation.

Guess depends on how you look at it. Obedience can be good or bad. We (submissive) don’t have a choice when growing up, but as we grow up, we get to choose our Dominants. There are loads of wannabe Doms out there who take our obedience for granted. So beware of those predators. When D/s is done correctly, obedience is a wonderful trait.

Guai, time to go to sleep…

Spinning

Written by Kit (The Big Girl)

Eight more work days until I say goodbye to my current job. Super scary and sad. Scary, because I am a creature of habit. I don’t like change and I don’t like unknowns. Sad, because I love working with most of my coworkers. It’s the terrible management that’s been driving me and others away. Hard for a part of me to really say goodbye, but time is ticking.

Because of that, I’ve been extra grumpy recently. A part of me just want to say “No” to a lot of things that Dad wants me to do. Mind you, those aren’t even hard tasks. He simply wants me to take good care of myself. Staying hydrated, taking my vitamins, and sleeping on time. Simple. Yet a part of me wants to rebel. Not really to him per se, but to life in general. I want to say no to everything. I want to curl up in a ball and not do anything. I suppose it’s some kind of depression. Too stubborn to see a therapist so I suppose this funk will linger until my last day of work…

Had a talk about that with Dad today. He’s been monitoring all of my sighs, huffs, and puffs. He’s been lenient, I know and I’ve been trying my best to be a good girl too. It’s been hard when he is not physically present. But! There is light at end of a very, very, long and dark tunnel. A hug from Daddy is long overdue.

Sigh…until then, this Kit shall be a good Kit.

Cause and Effect

Written by Kitty (the submissive)

I dislike how I can have a writer’s block when I have so many thoughts in my head. The harder I think about how to write something the harder it is for me to string words together. English is my second language. Pretty sure that does not help any when I want to convey a concept I am having trouble to grasp.

I have been talking to sir about the difference between playful banter, honest mistake, and deliberate disobedience. I suppose the difference between the three is a matter of intent. Like that of a senior prank. What constitute as a clever prank vs a prank poorly done in ignorance vs prank done with malicious intent. All have different consequences ranging from a pat on the back to getting expelled.

Bantering in a D/s relationship is something very new to me. Having been so cautious around sir, I am a bit afraid to say or do something inappropriate. Afterall, many desired activities such as impact play or bondage can be misconstrued. While my husband do not mind my playing with sir on a D/s level that excludes nudity and sex, I still check in with Hubby constantly making sure that he’s okay with sir tying me up, spanking me, or any other activities that may harm Hubby’s trust in me and sir. To my surprise so far, Hubby has been the more causal one in suggesting sir to lock me up in a cage or lead me with a leash. While I do desperately want to join the fun, I am still exploring how to have fun without hurting any of my relationships. Afterall, I do love the scene from Secretary where the girl placed a dead cockroach on a newly made bed. Although I’d never do that due to my intense fear for roaches and sir‘s preference for a clean bed. But you get the gist. It’s more of cat and mouse game. Pretty sure I am going to “lose” every time, but that’s the heart of the game.

Mistakes, on the other hand, is something I do my best to avoid. At times, I gave into my emotions and allow my negative emotions to drive my actions. Other times, mistakes were made in ignorance or from an oversight. In those instances, I can be overly critical of myself. I want to learn from my mistakes and move on to be a better me. But many times, I get hung up on the overly critical part. sir was never upset at me for my mistakes. Dissapointed, yes, but never upset. When I am stuck, I turn to him for discipline. Those seldomly involved spankings or what not. sir would come up with punishment ideas that I really dislike. However, the purpose of it all was to move on with a clean slate knowing that I was forgiven and still loved.

As for deliberate disobedience…I can see it happening in two scenarios. One is akin to being a brat, which I am not. Although there is a side of me who wants to push sir‘s boundaries. That side wants to cross that boundary just to get a taste of the unknown. It’s a curiosity, but I am fully aware of the negative consequences that come with such actions. It’s similar to our fascination with death. We can wonder all we want about death, but once we cross the threshold, there is no turning back…so it’s okay to be curious and talk about things, but certain actions are best to be left alone.

The other scenario I can see myself disobeying is when my worry overrides my logic to follow. It’s fear driven. Fear of losing someone or something dear to me. sir had often said that there is no need for me to understand everything that come with an order. He can see miles ahead of me and in those moments, he just needs me to trust him and follow. I am still working on that. Will this particular urge completely go away in the future, I don’t know. But, I’ll try my best and find ways to trust and follow.

So yeah. Covered a lot of my thoughts in one post. Not sure if they made sense for you readers, but at least for me, I am seeing disobedience as a sliding scale. Move the scale all the way to right, it’s all fun and games. Move scale all the way to left, it’s anarchy.

Evolution

Written by Kitty the submissive

I joked with sir last week that the order of our  D/s relationship is a bit out of wack. He asked me to explain. I mentioned that when people come to realize who they are as either dominants or submissives, they are in the market looking for an adult D/s relationship. When they find the right one, they will most likely get married and go through a collaring ceremony to solidify their D/s relationship. When I met sir, I was in need for a father. I didn’t know that at the time but sir already knew when I spoke about my childhood. How there was a lack of a good father in my life and how he could easily fill that role while caring for his own daughter.

Now he has two daughters and would often joke with others on how “awful” it is to have daughters. Yet, here I am still in awe at times on how naturally he integrated the two of us. I came from a complete different cultural and language background and there is a big age gap between me and my sister. But in an odd yet theraputic way, I can see myself growing up in a different environment through my sister’s eyes. A lot of the pain and suffering I had felt through my own parents are slowly mending because of  the love and care Dad has given to my sister and me. I am lucky to have a chance to choose my own father and if you were to ask Dad, he’d say the same thing to have adopted me.

One thing that complicates or rather enriches our father daughter relationship is the growth of our D/s relationship. I thrive from it and lucky for me, Dad is a natural dominant who does not really follow the books per se. Dad was very cautious of letting his dominant side out in the beginning. He didn’t want D/s to taint our father daughter relationship. At one point two years ago, I had even asked if it’s okay for Dad to be my dominant, but was turned down because I was in a sub frenzy mode. It had hurt. A lot…

Thought I’ll never be able to explore that option with him, I was dejected and kind of gave up on that idea. When there was an urge to kneel or to ask for a spanking, I kept quiet. I’d go through cycles of negative spiral because of my inability to communicate. Sir was keeping an eye on me the whole time. Managing and guiding me through his daddy side. Eventually I opened up again. Not wanting to try everything I’ve read about D/s, but rather letting him know that I wanted a spanking or to be tied up or to kneel because those actions would quiet my mind and allow me to focus on him…

One small action of submission lead to another has gained sir’s trust that I will follow his lead for the betterment of myself and everyone around me. Sir has slowly integrated D/s to our relationship. Because I’ve completed all the tasks that were asked of me last week. I was rewarded. A few notable but pretty bruises later, I feel comforted standing in front of my mirror each day while running my hands over most of the tender spots. I am glad that sir has decided to show part of himself to me. I understand that he could never fully be my dominant in a spousal way, but I am glad I am now able to kneel by his feet. There is this odd sense of comfort and calm when I am seen that way. It’s easy to desire for more and forget what I have now. Time to review all the lessons I’ve learned last week from sir…

See the Beauty in Today

Written by Kit

One of the first things that Dad taught me was to see the beauty in Today. Tomorrow can be as crabby as I imagined it to be, but there is always beauty I can find in Today.

I’ve been dreading tomorrow for a few days now. Going to be short handed with multiple procedures scheduled. That means skipped lunch and short calls with Dad. To make matters worse, our company mascot is not doing so well. My collegue had found masses in it’s abdomen today and frankly we don’t know how long he will be with us. Sucks, because I still remember it begging for a peice of sandwich when I went for my interview 7 years ago. He managed to calm my nerves and had helped me land my current job. Now that I am leaving…he is going down hill has well. Not looking forward to go into work tomorrow and have to tell his mom that he is going to be okay. Because both her and I know that time is ticking.

Today, what had happend today? None of the patients came in today had tried to kill us. That’s a plus. Get to share a funny story and made everyone laugh. Cute Frenchy pup came in for it’s last set of vaccines. Oh, saw a pretty cool ancient Shepherd-akita mix today. Work was overall chill. No crazy clients, no crazy patients. Talked to Dad and explored more of my submissive side. That was interesting and somewhat insightful. Came home to a happy husband and a pack of happy doggos. Get to come here to share my thoughts and make new friends. That’s always cool.

So yeah. Today is not bad. Tomorrow…well I am going to sleep on it for now. Oh it’s Friday. Ha! Forgot tomorrow is Friday already.

Nothing

Use to be really good at saying “nothing”. We were given a voice by Dad, and ever since we learned how to use our voices, we are using less and less of that word. The three of us elected Kitty to write this post. Feel like she’s best fit for this job. So here goes nothing =)

”Nothing” was a word i went to often before i met sir. It was my security blanket in a way. People would ask what’s going on, a simple nothing would effectively shut down a topic that may elicit pain, stress, or bunch of negativities that were stewing underneath. Pretty sure i was not the only one doing that. It’s one of the tools many reach for when they feel overwhelmed. Is it really healthy though? Not really. Growing up in a culture where everything is fine, i never thought that was a problem until i met sir.

Sir has always been adamant from the get go that it’s better to say what’s on my mind than nothing. i struggled. The other two had easier time opening up to sir, because a lot of what they struggled were and are mostly straight forward. Think Kitten opened up first and she had shared about our childhood the good and bad. It was hard for her, no doubt, when she talked about our adoptive parents. How 2.0 and mom had fought constantly, how she was treated wrongly, and how she felt small and insignificant. It was easy and natural for her to look up to sir and recognize him as her father. She was the one egging us on to ask sir if he would consider adopting us. To say she was excited when sir agreed was an understatement. Kitten was the very first one to text sir every morning to say “Good morning Daddy”. If it wasn’t for the reserve that the rest of us two have, she’d call sir Daddy all the time. She is the bubbly, goofy one. Still innocent as heck. We love her random out bursts. We love how forgiving she can be. If she is the one who says “nothing”, there is usually a trick up her sleeve. She is the mischievous monster who usually has an inside joke she’s dying to share. At times she’d feel too embarrassed to share, but eventually out comes the joke that no one gets. To her, it’s even funnier that everyone thinks her as the weird one. Don’t think anyone minds though so out of all three of us, she is the most carefree one.

Kit is the logical brainiac of the bunch. When she says “nothing” it’s either she feels overwhelmed with logistics of work or life or its truly nothing and she needed a break. She is the calm one who has the foresight to lead rest of us. She is the leader at work and calls out orders when things goes wrong. When she is in charge, the two of us usually sits back and watch in awe. She’d go into this hyper focused mode and can problem solve on the fly. She is the calm and analytical one. She keeps an eye on Kitten and i and she is the one who’s usually talking to sir. She’s been feeling a bit tired lately so a lot of her “nothing” means her brain is in a fog. All her running tabs have glitched and froze. Unable to compute and unable to communicate…

Then there is me. The ultra sensitive and emotional one. My “nothing” usually equates to emotional turmoil. To get to what’s really behind the nothing, i have to wade through all the emotions that makes me cry. Sounds like i am needy and a crybaby, but I don’t think that to be true. i have my wants and desires, but what i need is often a touchstone that is sir. When i am told to kneel before him, i stop spinning in my emotions. Instead i can navigate through them and find a root cause of what has been bothering me. It used to take me days of spinning to find the right answer. Now i have much easier time to identify the problem. So my “nothings” are slowly replaced by intelligible words and i am starting to like that feeling. That sense of freedom when i share what’s on my mind. The struggles i have are no longer mine to bare alone. I still do say “nothing” from time to time. It’s when i recognize that sir needs more time to rest and the things on my mind can wait. There is always tomorrow to address the issue. His rest is more important.

So that’s a whole lot of nothings to think about. Think i may have missed a few. May add more later if i think of any.

Bookkeeping: Act of Service or Control?

Written by Kit (The big girl in charge) with inputs from Kitty (The submissive)

Think I started my journey to improve my personal finance somewhere around late 2017 to early 2018. At that time Hubby and I have vague ideas of what financial freedom meant. It pretty much means to have money work for us so we don’t need to work for money and yadi yada. It was an abstract concept to us as we have no idea how to get from point A to point B. At that time, we were still living pay check to pay check. Had no freaking clue as to where our money went. So I did what every confused individual does, I consulted a bunch of self help books and YouTube videos on personal finance. There was one problem, I was a financial illiterate. Think I got more confused and overwhelmed through my hours of research than learning anything helpful. However, there was one super duper thing I got out of those hours of research, I learned how to budget.

In its simplest form, budgeting is assigning our monthly income to its appropriate categories and sticking to those assignments. Essentially, each dollar has its purpose, better to use it purposely than to squander it. Bookkeeping is tracking the ins and outs of our money. So that all of the dollars are accounted for at end of month. Most of the work happened at end of the month. Analyzing our spending habits and planning for next month type of thing. It’s a tedious task, but essential if we want to achieve financial freedom. In doing so, I was able to catch missed payments, memberships that we no longer need, weird service charges that we are not aware of, and so on. Instead of money bleeding out of our pockets, we were able to stay focused. Within 3 years or so, we were able to pay off all of our debts that roughly amounted to $120K. Now the money we used to pay off our debts are mostly going into our retirement funds. Let those money grow and soon enough those money will work for us. So what does all of these have to do with service or control? D/s relationship can hide in plain site. So allow me to explain.

Many people see money as power which equates to control. Whoever has the control of money in any given household tend to have their say on things. Well not in my family. Before I go further, I do want to clarify that I consider my Dad and sister as my family. So when I mention family, I am talking about family of four. And yes, I have been the bookkeeper of my family for past year or so. Ask me any time how we are doing financially, I can pretty much tell you everything down to the penny if I wanted to, well better way to phrase it, if i have permission from Dad and Hubby. I am simply the one keeping track of money and directing them to areas where I think will benefit my family. Dad is actually the elder who has a vision of where our family should be years and decades from now. The reason I mentioned it in such way, is that I don’t want to mislead you and indicate that Dad has all the power. That’s not true. He leads by example. So I follow his example and make decisions aligning to his way of life. Do research on things you want to buy, buy good things once, and take care of them. That type of wisdom with money.

My following Dad’s lead is more of an active submission than passive. So I see the budgeting and bookkeeping as a service to my family instead of control. It’s not restrictive but freeing in the long run. I do (well Kitten does)after all want to visit all the zoos and aquariums in North America before I die. Family road trips to all national parks sounds great as well. Still need to learn how to play a cello before I get all arthritic. More time to paint and craft. Start a garden and a quail farm. Build our own hose and blah blah blah. The list of dreams goes on. You get the idea.

His Title

Written by Kitty (the submissive)

This is going to be a difficult subject for me to write. So bare with me on this one…it maybe a blog full of disjointed thoughts. So i apologize ahead of time. Also when i am writing, i don’t really refer him as Dad or Daddy like my counterparts. i refer to him as sir.

Referring someone as sir or ma’am has always been an odd thing for me. Don’t really think it’s lack of respect on my part, i really think it has something to do with my cultural upbringing and my timidity. Growing up in China, i was taught to address older men as Uncle (insert last name), and older women as Auntie (insert last name). There are phrases equvilant to sir and ma’am for my adult peers, but i was too young to start using those. When I came here to America, it didn’t even cross my parents’ mind to teach me the usage of sir and ma’am. My school system had certainly failed on that aspect as well. So it’s a lesson i am learning from sir, that it’s common courtesy to address others as sir and ma’am.

Which brings up a certain reluctance on my part…i feel reluctant to do so due to my adoptive parents. When i was in China, i had no problem addressing people politely. But once i came here, i became extremely reluctant and uncomfortable to call my dad (2.0), Dad and my mom, Mom. Felt like it was an inherent protective mechanism that Kitten had devised to make herself unnoticeable. If she didn’t bring herself to their attention, she’d be left to her peace and quiet. That then expanded to other people in her parent’s circle… mom and 2.0 always thought Kitten was shy, but in reality, she was scared. As Kitten grew older i came along and i inherited that peculier trait. To this day, we still hesitate calling sir Dad or Daddy in person. It’s an ongoing problem that both Kitten and Kit face. But, for me, there is yet another layer i have to figure out myself.

For the longest time, i didn’t know how to address sir. To me, he is not my dad but my dominant. But because i am married to Hubby, my body will never completely belong to sir. Thus the inappropriate use of Sir in our D/s relationship. My mind, however, is and will always be an open book to sir. So use of sir in my mind seems inappropriate as well. So i came up with sir. The middle ground between sir and Sir. Will definitely envy the one person who gets to call sir, Sir. But that’s somewhere in the future i need not to worry about. By then, i’d probably be mature enough to let go of a fantasy that does not belong to me.

Anywhoozly, now that i’ve been calling him sir more. The title sir actually rolls off our tongue much, much, easier than Dad or Daddy. We are not trying to be willful. Just trying to work through our past trauma one “sir” or “Dad/Daddy” at a time.

Different Girl, Different Speach

As I alluded from my earlier post, different part of me has different personalities and is driven by different emotions and interests. There are enough differences amongst them that they even have different speech patterns. Dad pointed that out the other day, which enlightend me somewhat. Now that I’ve paid enough attention, I too have to agree.

Was thinking about how to push through my writer’s block, and the little one came up with the idea of naming each one of us. She gets to be Kitten. I an still Kit, and the deranged strange creature whom we came to discover as the submissive gets to be Kitty. (See that just now? The little one just came out to play) Dad suggested that each of us can have our space to write. Once written, we’ll sign off as either Kit, Kitten, or Kitty. By doing so, I will get to know each of myself better.

Feeling like a crazy person to talk and write amongst myself. Perhaps the crazies have figured this out and us normal folks are the crazy ignorant ones.

-Kit