Written by Kit (The Big Girl)

Came home from final day of work and crashed. Went through a gauntlet of challenges that 2021 had in store for me, now my mind can finally relax a bit.

Was chatting with Dad about what to come next. Mentioned that I am used to the motion of waking up, going to work, coming home, and going to sleep. What am I to do as a part time independent contractor? The concept still feels a bit unsettling. I like order, I like predictability, I like some control over what I do…need to stop spinning. It’s too early to stress over that. Things will fall into place as I experience and learn. Shall eat a large serving of humble pie and admit I know nothing for my trade. That’s the best way to go about things unknown and in away, it’s an act of submission.

Dad segwayed to a different topic I had not thought about. He mentioned my reluctancy in saying “I Love You” from years back. Now come to think of it…when did I become so comfortable at saying “I love you”?

Part of my reluctance back then was cultural, part of it was just me. You typically don’t hear Chinese kids running around saying “I love you” to their parents and vice versa. They don’t really show open affection for one another. The era I grew up in, hugging and such were a rare sight in China. Unsure of what it is like now, but that’s how I remembered it. Kind of crazy to think of it now. Hugging is such a basic psychological need for me, it’s part of my normal. I no longer think twice when I want to express my love for someone. Even at work, I’d exchange “I love you” with my staff… sigh…feeling sad about leaving again…

Anyway, Dad was pointing out that back then I had doubts about loving people. Now it’s part of my normal. It’s okay to have doubts about my future. Five years from now, I’ll look back to today and wonder what the fuss was all about. For now, I’ll just take a knee and trust that things will be okay and that I am making a good life decision.

It’s Christmas. Forgot to set out cookies and milk. Oh well. Our house don’t have a chimney anyway and all I want for Christmas are hugs and kisses.

Merry Christmas everyone!

2 thoughts on “Reflection

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