I have two dads. Well if I want to be technical, I have three dads. I was adopted when I was just 5 months old, so my memory of my biological father is non-existent. That pretty much leaves me with two dads. The dad I grew up with was domineering. I’ve never experienced any physical abuse from him, but he’s done plenty psychological damage that I’d feel even to this day. My current Dad is a dominant. For the past three years we’ve known eachother, he’s undone a lot of damage that my previous dad had inflicted and showed me a kind of paternal love I’ve never experienced.
Two nights ago, I had a nightmare about my previous dad. I felt trapped and terrified to have to go back to my old house to face him. Woke up in a cold sweat and texted Dad briefly about my dream. Dad offered to call, but feeling a bit overly dramatic, I told him I was fine and struggled to go back to sleep. Next morning, on my way to work, I told Dad in detail of what had happend in my dream. Dad explained that the shadow casted by my previous dad is like a boogy man that sometime hunts me when least expected. I haven’t thought much about that man, but when I do, I’d feel my chest tighten ready for fight for flight. Never saw that as an anxiety attack, but it was very much so as Dad had pointed out later.
I’ve cut ties with my previous dad after mom passed away. It’s been years since I’ve last seen or talked to him. There were a lot of legal dispute left tangled between him and I. In his mind he “won”. It was unfair to say the least and he took advantage of whom I was and had gotten away with a lot of the bad things he had done. I was fighting him alone at that time and didn’t have the strength to stand up for my self. I ran away from him and closed that chapter with much resentment and hurt…but now with support of Dad and Hubby…we are actually thinking of revisiting that horrible chapter. It’s not really for money per se but for justice. A closure that I need to fight back the boogy man…An unthinkable is now something that has been occupying my mind lately.
I can feel my heart racing and hand sweating just at the thought of confronting him. Honestly told Dad that I still do not have the courage to face previous dad alone. Dad mentioned not to worry. We will work at my own pace and stop when I need to. It’s about healing not revenge. May hurt a bit during the process but should never aim to do more damage. Told Dad that I want a win-win outcome this time. I wish no harm to my previous father, but at the same time I want a peaceful resolution so that the boogy man no longer exist in little girl’s world. “We will try” Dad said “we will try”