Shifted my attention away from blogging in past few months. Turned it inward and got to understand myself a bit better. Think I’ve matured somewhat and I am finally taking care of my body as well. Instead of the COVID 15, I’ve lost 10 pounds or so. Planning to loose 20 lbs more!
Been doing well amid all the craziness that’s going on this year. I swear people are getting much more impatient these days. Some of my good clients are now easy to anger. Luckily I don’t need to see them face to face anymore. Just phone conversations, sweet and simple. Speaking of luck, both Hubby and I still work full time. Life is as good as it gets for an introvert like me.
Planning a trip to Dad’s next week. I am super excited and slightly anxious. Air travel is going to be a whole different ball game post Covid. Face masks, hand sanitizers, wiping down seats and trays, holding our beath, no coughing, no sneezing…you know, the whole nine yards. We now have a new vocab for non-compliant white women “Karen” wonder if we are going to see any Karens on our trip…
Now to the meat of all my rambling thoughts. I am still very much in a D/s relationship, not exactly with my Hubby per se, but with my Dad 3.0. Now please pause and pull your minds out of the gutter, it is not the typical relationship that you’d read on daily basis. There are no written rules or protocols. There is no kinkery involved. Yet my life is a lot more structured and grounded simply through talking with Dad every day.
Eventhough there is no written rules or protocols, there is an over arching rule for me in this relationship and that’s is I will not harm myself through action or inaction. Sounds pretty black and white doesn’t it? In fact, it can be quite subtle at times and it applies to pretty much everything in my life. When I was first introduced to the rule I was a bit underwhelmed. “Don’t think I’ve ever cut myself or caused physical harm to myself” “what is he talking about? This is going to be easy peasy” as it turned out over the year, it’s not easy. Let me repeat, it’s not easy at all!
To be able to follow that rule, I need to open up my mind to him. Most of the time he sits and watches all that’s going on in my head. He’d wait for me to talk about my problems or things that bothered me. Some problems are easier to solve than others. The ones that have no right answers…well those were the ones I wish he’d be close by to give me a hug and a kiss on my forehead.
Like the other day, I watched a documentary titled “One Child Nation” through Netflix. It hit home, and it hit pretty hard. For those of you who had followed me for a while know I was adopted when I was about 5 months old. My life is a product of that One Child Policy and Chinese people’s deep seeded value for boys. I would not exist if my parent’s first child was a boy. I would not exist if my mom was to force abort. I would not exist if my parents decided to ditch me on side of a bridge. Against all odds, I am lucky and blessed to be where I am today and writing to you all about my life.
A niggling problem came about after that documentary. I am starting to wonder if I should contact my biological parents. It’s something I am talking to my Dad about. It’s not an easy decision for me to make. It’s easy for an outsider to say of course she should contact her biological parents! Such a wonderful story that’d restore faith to humanity. But my life is not a drama series out to make money. For me, it’s extremely difficult and inexplicably painful. I’ve experienced the worst heartache from my adoptive family and I’ve found love in most unexpected places. I am content with what I have now and I am afraid to open myself up to strangers even if they are my blood relatives…see how all of these thoughts can bring harm to myself if I hold all of those in?
Back to the rule of not harming myself through action or inaction. I can hold all of those thoughts in my mind and slowly let those thoughts fester (inaction) or I can just talk about it with Dad and still be loved no matter what decision I ended up making. That’s the D/s dynamic we have. There are more. Nothing exciting or orgasm inducing. Mundane and boring to most, but to me, it’s quintessential.