What was Lost

I started gaming when I was a sophomore in undergrad. At that time, many of my friends were into WoW, but I couldn’t play that game because I had a crappy Dell laptop with the most basic of graphics card. Felt slightly left out until one of my roommates introduced me to MapleStory (a cute game that even a crappy laptop could handle) and that was the beginning of my online gaming saga. Back then I had little to no self control. So I spent all the free time I could find playing that game. Those were the times I pulled all nighters.

Pulling all nighters was possible to do when I was away from home, but during school breaks, my mom, especially, would always get mad when she saw me playing games. So I honed my reflexes and got really good at alt-tabing. I knew she was suspicious at times, but if nothing was mentioned, I’d carry on as usual. Was really annoyed at her that she never understood my gaming needs. Annoyed until I put on my big girl pants after I lost her.

Ever since she passed, there was no longer any external pressure against gaming. During that griefing period, I played a lot of games while neglecting my adult responsibilities. Chores were left undone and bills were left unpaid. Gaming was my escape mechanism. As time went on, I hated whom I became. You can refer to her as a lazy slob essentialy. There was this constant internal turmoil going on in my head when I gamed. So gradually I weaned myself off of gaming and took control over my life. First my work, then my temper, now finance and cooking. I am mostly on the right track now until quarantine hits.

During this period, I am considered as an essential worker, but in past two weeks I got sick with mild flu like symptoms. Test came back neg, but I still took precaution and stayed home. While physically fatigued, I spent first week talking on the phone with Dad a lot while Hubby was working remotely from home. Mind you, I used to hate talking on the phone for extended period of time, but talking to Dad somehow eases my mind even if it’s about cars or mowers. As I got better and regained my stamina, I caved into a PC game that had came out last year. Planet Zoo. It’s a sandbox game that allows me to build a zoo of my wildest dreams. As you guessed, I got sucked into that game. Some old habits die hard you know.

This time around though, I know not to neglect my chores. Prioritized everything else before gaming except for a few things. When Dad called, I’d sometime not pick up the phone right away. Was busy trading animals for in-game currency or busy finding that perfect decor. I am aware of that and I do struggle to make the right decision. Sorry Dad… Yesterday morning I found myself coming up with excuses on why that game was so fun and good for me. All of a sudden I was reminded of the past. I lost someone precious. I still miss her and wonder about what she would think of the current me. Some of what had lost were recovered when Dad 3.0 adopted me. His making sure I work first play later is one of those. Not annoyed but appreciative.

As the novelty of adoption is starting to wear off, I find myself taking certain things for granted. Namely talking on the phone with Dad. I often find my mind wandering elsewhere while he’s on certain subjects only to engage when I am interested. I don’t like that I am doing it. Sometimes I slip into my old ways, but sometimes I catches myself. Just writing to let Dad know that I am trying. This goes to Hubby as well. I know I have a bad habit of not paying attention in a conversation and letting the mind wonder. Shall work on that along with many other things.

That’s the early morning thought of the day. Stay safe everyone. Shall write again when the Thought Train stops by.

2 thoughts on “What was Lost

  1. I am ALWAYS too focused on one thing.. but its a home improvement project usually.. sun up to sun down. When I was going through a divorce though, games were my refuge.. a place where I could just ignore everything but a fantasy. Games do make a great escape.

    Liked by 1 person

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