I’ve always been an obedient child growing up. Nanny would tell me stories of the two or three year old me. How easy it was to raise me. At that time, she was working for multiple households (in secret). She would bundle me up and strap me to her back while grandparents were taking their afternoon nap. Think I was old enough to blurt out some words here and there. So when She took me to different neighborhoods, I’d mumble in shanghainese that nanny did “laundry here” or “scrubbed toilets there”. Of course she didn’t want my grandparents to find out, so she told me to keep it a secret. I did, not really knowing what secret meant. There was another time when a bottle of milk had dropped on my head. Nanny said I was about to cry, but I stifled it when she urged me not to make any noise for fear that grandpa would yell at her for being clumsy…I could think of many other stories, but bottom line being I was who I was even at that age.

When I was a bit older and occasionally got bullied in preschool or elementary, I preferred not to to fight back. I tend to just shrug my shoulders and move on. When adults found out (they always do), they would get upset and wanted justice. Think I was seriously more upset by them making a ruckus than being bullied. Remembered clearly walking home one day from school. A kid pushed me from behind and I chipped two of my upper incisors in the process. Came home bloodied. I just wanted some comfort, but was met with a lot of anger that I didn’t confront the kid and held him accountable. Grandma went to school next day, spoke to numerous teachers and found out who the kid was. She made him apologize and his parents were notified too…think the whole ordeal had made me felt extremely uncomfortable, horrified even. Don’t know why. Perhaps I disliked confrontation and certainly disliked all the attention I got as an result. Adults had always lectured me that I was too nice to people and I needed to stand up for myself. But what if that was just me and I was comfortable with being me?

Fast forward several years. Mom knew of my disposition and she was extremely protective of me when my dad was ordering me to do things. For me, I just did it. It really didn’t bother me that much. Yes, he could have chose his words a bit differently, but there was no ill will behind his intentions. The ivy on the fences needed some trimming, the leaves on the front yard needed to be raked, dinner served before eight, dishes washed after meals, clothes folded and put away, and all other domestic chores you can think of, I just obeyed and did. Mom at times disliked the way dad treated me, but at other times she would be upset when certain chores weren’t done. There wasn’t much consistency to her, at least with my dad there was. Many times mom automatically assumed that my dad was being a bully. A lot of their arguments stemmed from that. I blamed myself for most of their fights. Perhaps some of my personalities had changed then?

When I went off to college, everything kind of changed. There were block of time where I was my own boss and developed my own way of living. Met Hubby in college. Since He don’t have much of His own preference on way of things, I became his boss as well. Don’t think it was natural for me to lead, but certainly something new. Sometimes I’d be on top of my game, but most of the time I’d just lazy about and became the bachelorette frog I was then. It irritated Hubby, but He never spelled out how thing should be done in our relationship. So I remained the de facto leader of our relationship.

Was running errands the other day with Hubby. Forgot what exactly it was that had Him mention I was lousy at following His orders. A part of me was a bit surprised by that comment, but the other part totally recognized where He had came from. Think I was more surprised that He was the one to call me out on that than anything. Despite how obedient I was growing up, I do agree whole heartedly that I am lousy at following His commands. Period. Think this bad habit has been so deeply ingrained in me and this relationship that we both just overlooked it most of the time. It’s somewhat ironic that He is more motivated to be the leader of this relationship now that we have called off D/s. I am definitely not complaining here and I do hope this trend will continue. It definitely will require a lot of conscious efforts from both of us, but it’s a trend that we both wish to head towards.

Obedience. That’s something I’ll work on in this relationship. It is in my nature to follow. I just need to correct many of my bad habits with Him. Once that’s mostly addressed, we may attempt at D/s on a stronger footing. Ha! I’ve been thinking of how to write this post since that incident over the weekend. Didn’t really expect long stories from my past…sorry about the rambling today.